A Year In The Life
By Amanda Russell
A Year In The Life
By Amanda Russell
Copyright 1989, Lunatic Productions, Inc.
Author's Foreword
For a long time I've wondered just how the relationship between John and Helena developed and progressed throughout Year One so it could reach the obvious openness we see during "The Metamorph". All during the episodes of Year One we see hints and traces of their developing and growing involvement, but it was never defined, never given any concrete substance. All of a sudden, at the beginning of Year Two - BANG! - they were heavily involved and very much in love. But HOW did they get to that point? It has always bothered me, so I decided to explain it to my own satisfaction. The following pages are the result.
In order to have John and Helena's relationship develop along a somewhat logical path, using what little evidence we were given in the aired episodes, the chronological sequence of events - for this collection - has been altered slightly. Basically it agrees with the time line set forth in the Moonbase Alpha Technical Notebook, and uses some of the modifications put forth by Kevin McCorry in his time line as it appeared in Main Computer, Volume 11, Number 1 (September, 1988). To simplify things and give you a ready point of reference, my modified time line appears below:
I realize of course these short stories are not the only possibilities to the question posed earlier, but they are my solution. Enjoy.
Amanda Russell
May 12, 1989
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
A Beginning reprinted from ALL THAT GLISTERS #2, Spring, 1987.
Between the Sunsets reprinted from THE LANDAU - BAIN CONCORDANCE #24, June, 1987.
Knowledge (The Infernal Machine Addition and Ending) reprinted from THE LANDAU - BAIN CONCORDANCE #16, June, 1985.
Table of Contents
Eyes fixed on the big screen, seeing only wavering, fading images being replaced by snow; ears tuned to hear any faint message, any signal from Earth with the slim hopes there would be a rescue attempt made, no one in Main Mission was aware of anything but their own immediate hopes and the realization they would, most likely, spend the rest of their lives -- however long that might be -- on the barren hunk of rock that had once -- until moments ago -- circled their home world. No one was aware of anything but their personal thoughts, no one, save for one person.
Out the corner of her eye, Helena Russell saw movement. She turned toward it in time to see John Koenig turn away from the big screen. His shoulders slumped slightly, his head drooped, and in that brief moment, Helena Russell knew he would need special attention - special treatment if he were to withstand all that had so suddenly been thrust upon him.
Unexpectedly, a familiar pattern was heard, then seen in Main Mission. The signals from planet Meta. All eyes and ears again turned toward that signal as it grew in strength.
Planet Meta. Yes, perhaps there was where their future would begin. But it would be numerous days until the moon's trajectory took it anywhere near Meta. How would he - could he - keep his people going until then? And what if Meta were not as promising as it appeared to be? Not the kind of thoughts he wanted anyone to know he was harboring, but possibilities he had to contend with, had to face.
As he sat quietly in his dimly lit quarters, John Koenig savored the solitude. It was the first he'd had in... he couldn't remember how long it had been. He was unable to keep his mind from all the problems, all the challenges the Alphans now faced. All he knew was they would have to do everything they possibly - and impossibly - could to stay alive.
But he wondered. Had he made the right decision? Had he been wrong in not allowing anyone to attempt getting them back to Earth? Commissioner Gerald Simmonds seemed to think so. But Simmonds only knew the political and financial intricacies of keeping the base operational. Neither of those were applicable now. Koenig knew those aspects, as well as the scientific, technological, and practical sides. And the facts supported his decision. Simmonds would have to accept it and find some way to be a useful, contributing member of the new Alpha community.
Sighing, Koenig settled himself more comfortably. He could still feel all eyes in Main Mission on him as he weighed the possibilities - the probabilities. It was a feeling he'd not enjoyed but suspected - if Meta turned out to be incompatible with their needs - it was a feeling he must grow used to. He would never like it but he would grow used to it - eventually.
Disturbed by the signal from his commlock indicating someone was outside his door requesting entry, John reached for the devise and activated the tiny screen. He was expecting it to be Victor and found himself to be mildly surprised - and pleased - when he saw Helena Russell's image there.
"Commander."
He considered a brief moment, then pressed the stud that would allow her entry to his private quarters. He'd not even had a chance to put away the few personal items he'd brought with him.
Helena Russell stepped into Koenig's quarters hesitantly. She wasn't sure just what exactly her purpose in calling on him was. Like herself, he was probably very much in need of some quiet, private time. As the door closed behind her, Koenig slowly rose from the chair in which he'd been sitting. He was exhausted. She could see it in his stance.
"Is there a problem, Doctor?"
"Not really. I've been making a routine check of all senior level command personnel, hoping to avert any major medical problems - physical or psychological - before they occur."
"And now it's my turn."
"It is."
Koenig met her gaze levelly. She'd hesitated a bit too long before giving him a pat medical reason for her visit. He was sure it was a legitimate one, but perhaps it was not the only reason for her call. With a sweep of his hand and a tired smile, he invited Doctor Russell to have a chair and turned up the lights, taking a seat across from her.
"What would you like to know, Doctor?"
Taking refuge behind her professional facade, Helena Russell heard herself ask all the questions that would allow her to detect the first signs of any psychological stress while she observed Koenig with a mixture of professional and personal interest. His accusation earlier had taken her by surprise, and caused her to think about her own motives.
She did care. She cared about him and what happened to him - as her commander - but also on another level. And this surprised her. After all the problems with Gorski, and all the trouble he had caused her because she'd not been receptive to him, to his sexual advances, she had made herself believe she would never allow herself to have anything more than a professional relationship with her superiors. And yet... all that resolve seemed to be fading as she sat across from the man who would, by his very thoughts and actions, decide if they were all to live or die. It was not a responsibility she would want, but at the same moment felt herself willing to help this man in any way she could, ways that went beyond the responsibilities of duty, ways that might make the decisions he would face just a little bit easier to make. She realized this was all part of her duty as Chief of Medical Services, but it reached deeper than that as well.
Feeling the end of the interview had been reached, Koenig sat forward a bit and gave the doctor a weak smile. He somehow knew - instinctively - that he could not play games with this woman. She would see through any facade he tried to present. She was far more competent than Gorski and Simmonds had wanted him to believe. But he did not wish to deceive her. For some reason he simply could not allow himself to do that.
"Well, Doctor, do I pass?"
"For the moment, Commander. I would suggest - recommend - you get a good night's sleep, but realize it may not be all that easy to accomplish."
"For either of us?"
Helena gave Koenig a tired smile as they both stood. He saw her to the door and as she started to leave, he touched her arm lightly. She turned back to meet his gaze.
"Thank you, Doctor. Helena. Perhaps when we have settled in a bit we could..."
"I'd like that, Commander. John. We'll have a lot to do. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
A brief smile and she was gone, the door closing behind her. Koenig felt slightly disappointed but reassured at the same time. This meeting had been a beginning. To what he wasn't quite sure. Certainly to a friendship he'd not thought possible - probable - only hours before. If there was a potential for more between himself and Helena Russell he didn't know. For now he would settle for this beginning. Then he and Helena could take it from there.
December 11, 1986
Revised: April 12, 1989 and April 9, 1996
Two weeks, not quite three since the unexpected - the heretofore believed impossible - had happened. By normal calendars it was near the end of September, almost the beginning of October, 1999. Only months until the turn of the century, the beginning of a new millennium. But that no longer seemed significant to the men and women of Moonbase Alpha. It was still so hard to believe; the total severance of all ties, all contact with Earth. Yet it was a reality that faced them everyday. Already they were adjusting. Instead of September such and so as a date, they were changing their method of marking time. It was now recorded as so many days since leaving Earth orbit. It was a start in the slow and continuous process of fighting to survive in the place they were unprepared for and did not belong - deep space. From that start, Koenig hoped the Alphans' will to fight, their determination to survive would grow and become strong. But it would take time. He knew that. He also knew his people - the Alphans - needed a brief respite from their unending struggle against space.
So, on eighteen days since leaving Earth orbit, a party was planned. There would be music, dancing, refreshments and, John hoped, laughter. That had been in very short supply since Breakaway. Just some time to relax for the Alphans. John hoped it would do some good.
He also hoped it would do some good for his relationship with Helena Russell. Although they were no longer on opposite sides, he still felt coolness toward him coming from her. He wasn't quite sure why, but it bothered him.
Two nights before the party was to be held, John caught up with Helena outside the Medical Center as she headed toward the nearest travel tube stop.
"Helena..."
She paused to let him catch up with her, then both continued on her way.
"I've been trying to reach you all day. Mathias said you were busy and since it wasn't urgent, I didn't leave a message."
"Yes, he said you'd called. I've been in surgery most of the day."
"Anything serious?"
"No, but tedious. Still repairing damage done during Breakaway. Given time, all should have complete recoveries."
"I'm relieved to hear that. Would you care to join me for a cup of coffee?"
Helena faced John Koenig as they waited for the travel tube. She'd realized days before that she did care - care about him and perhaps even for him. Slowly she shook her head.
"Thank you, John, but I'd better not. I'm just on a short break before going back to the Medical Center. I'm sorry."
John shook his head in reply.
"Don't be, Helena. I understand. Your patients must come first."
"Yes... at least for now."
Their eyes met briefly and John felt some of the coolness warm. He decided to take the next step.
"Will you be attending the party?"
"I hope so. We all need to get our minds off everything, if only briefly."
"True. Helena, I wonder if I might have the honor of escorting you to the party?"
She was silent a moment, then slowly smiled as she nodded. John Koenig could be very charming when he wanted to, and he certainly wanted to now.
"Yes you may, John. I'd like that... very much."
Koenig smiled. It was a step in the right direction.
"About 7:30?"
"That would be fine, John."
Before he could respond further, the travel tube arrived and Helena took her leave of him. He watched as the door closed behind her then turned and walked back down the hall, smiling to himself. He was suddenly looking forward to the party much more than he had been earlier in the day.
All those attending the party were delighted by the variety of music available for dancing and many took full advantage of it, John and Helena included. While they had changed dance partners several times, John always managed to find Helena for the slower dances. One was just beginning when John stepped up to Helena Russell as she chatted with Alan Carter.
"Excuse me, Alan. Helena, may I?"
She smiled at Alan then allowed John to lead her to the dance floor. Their hands clasped and eyes met as they began to move to the music.
"Having fun?"
"Yes, I am John. You?"
"It is a nice break from everything we've been facing in recent days. This was a good idea. Leave it to the people in Alan's section to come up with - any - excuse for a party."
"Indeed."
They were silent for a bit as they continued to dance. John moved his hand a little further down Helena's back and she met his eyes. There was a sadness and a loneliness in them she couldn't quite place. He was a very complex man, a very complicated man, one who hid much of what bothered him, one who didn't - or couldn't - always talk about what bothered him. She understood, as she was much the same way. She always had been, but was even more so since Lee... and since coming to Alpha.
"Helena, are you all right?"
"Hmm,... what?"
She blinked, realizing John must have been watching her as she studied him.
"You seemed so distant. Are you all right?"
"Oh, yes, I'm fine. Just... thinking about the past, about Earth, and..."
"Those you left behind?"
"I left no one behind."
"No family?"
"No family. My parents have been dead for many years and... there's no one on Earth. You?"
A sadness crossed his face before John shook his head.
"I left no one behind on Earth either."
"It makes... being here just a little easier."
"Yes, a little."
The slow music had ended and John led Helena from the dance floor. She shook her head at his offer of refreshment.
"Helena, may I ask you something?"
She looked at him and slowly nodded.
"Yes."
"Why did you come to Alpha?"
Louder, more lively music began to play and John frowned.
"We can't talk here. Walk with me?"
"All right."
Together they headed for the door, unaware that Victor Bergman was watching them, and smiling. It pleased him to see both John and Helena relaxing, and to see them getting along. Feeling a gentle tap on his shoulder, Victor turned to see Tanya Alexander standing beside him.
"Professor, would you care to dance?"
"Indeed I would."
He led the woman toward the dance floor, enjoying the party. It was a good idea.
A few yards down the hall and around a corner made all the difference. The loud, boisterous, happy sounds of the party were replaced by the quiet hum of the base, by the stillness and solitude John had come to associate with space. It comforted him in a strange way.
"A nice change. I've never been able to handle loud crowds for any length of time."
"Everyone seemed to be having a good time, though. I don't think Sandra and Mike have been off the dance floor all night."
"We all needed this, Helena."
"Yes, we did."
"You didn't get a chance to answer my earlier question. Why did you come to Alpha, Helena?"
She glanced at Koenig as they walked.
"Many small reasons that no longer matter, but primarily because Alpha offered the opportunity to do research in my chosen specialty - space medicine - in a way you can't even hope to come near while still on Earth, bound by gravity and atmosphere. No matter how good the simulations are, there is still nothing like studying the reactions of the human mind and body as it experiences the real thing."
"You're very dedicated to your work."
"And you're not?"
John laughed as he glanced at Helena Russell. To even be considered for a position on Alpha, one had to be extremely dedicated to their work, almost to the exclusion of anything else in their life.
"Understood, Doctor."
"And you, John. Why did you come to Alpha?"
"Because Simmonds... Never mind, I don't want to spoil my evening by talking about him. There was a job to be done and whether they wanted to admit it or not, Simmonds and everyone else knew I was the one who could do it. And... I couldn't resist coming back here again."
"You've been on Alpha before."
It was not quite a question. Helena was familiar with some of the circumstances surrounding Koenig's first tour of duty on Alpha.
"Yes, several years ago when we were getting the Ultra Probe ready to launch. Had it not been for the flip of a plastic chip, I might have been the commander of that mission instead of Tony Cellini."
Beside him, Koenig thought he sensed Helena Russell stiffen a little bit at the mention of the Ultra probe, but when he looked, she seemed unchanged.
Glancing up, John saw he had unconsciously taken Helena toward his favorite place on Alpha. They stopped before the door to the Observation Room. He smiled eagerly.
"Have you been in here?"
"Once, on my initial tour of the base."
"It is my favorite place on Alpha."
"Why?"
"You'll see."
He aimed his commlock at the door and it opened. They stepped through, John closing the door behind them. He looked overhead at the vast expanse of stars and felt himself relax. Helena watched the subtle change come over him.
"Magnificent, isn't it?"
Helena nodded as she gazed about the room, allowing John to guide her steps. He obviously knew the room well.
"I used to come here a lot, to think, to relax, to dream. It's sort of half in reality, half in hope."
Helena watched his eyes grow bright, an excitement course through him. She'd seen it before, in Lee when he talked about a mission. And she swallowed a momentary pang of grief. Lee was gone to her forever. She'd sworn she would not allow herself to feel those things again, and yet, here she was, becoming interested in man who was so like Lee in many ways, who could be taken from her just as easily as Lee had been taken from her.
"I think I understand that, John. In here you're on safe ground, familiar territory, a feeling of control almost, and yet... you're also out there, among the stars, feeling the pull, the mystery of them, the need to learn more, to... do something, go places no one has before."
Amazed she could so fully understand, John nodded, his gaze on Helena's face. Was that a tear he detected on her cheek, or just a trick of the light against her skin?
"... Yes. How..."
She shook her head and turned away. John hoped someday she would tell him, but he'd already learned a great deal about her. And hoped to learn more - if she were willing.
"Helena, are you all right?"
"I'm fine, John. I just seem to be given to memories of the past tonight."
"We're all entitled to those every now and then."
"I'm sorry it was tonight, John. I've not been very good company."
"But you have, Helena. You're the first person to really understand how I feel about this room... I'm glad it was empty."
"It probably will be until we have more fully accepted our situation and future. Most don't want to be reminded of where we are."
Again John sensed something more from Helena, something deep she wasn't ready to share with anyone, least of all with someone she'd only just met and barely knew. Their eyes met and Helena smiled slightly.
"John, thank you for bringing me here. It is lovely."
His impulse was to tell Helena she was also, but he held back. Not yet. Instead he stepped closer to Helena and turned her slightly so her gaze could follow his pointing finger.
"See that bright red, almost pink point of light... right there."
"Yes..."
"That's Meta. We should be within range in only a couple more days. The readings look promising."
"You mean Operation Exodus?"
"Perhaps. Victor says we should have plenty of time to make a full scale investigation. We don't want to jump to any conclusions."
"... You don't seem the type to do that."
"True... at least not usually."
Helena's gaze prompted him to go on, to explain.
"I'm afraid I let Simmonds' opinion of you cloud my judgment of you - at first. I should have known better when I realized he lied to me concerning the probe astronauts, and the Meta Probe. I'm glad I had a chance to learn the truth for myself."
Helena simply smiled softly. There was a lot about her short time on the base John didn't know of - much of it concerning Simmonds and his puppet, the former commander of the base, Anton Gorski. Perhaps someday she would be able to tell John. For now, she would happily accept his apology. John returned her smile.
"This has been very nice, Helena. I'm glad you came."
"As am I."
"... Would you like to go back to the party?"
"Not just yet. Alan and David will just have to wait a bit longer for the dances I promised them. Would you tell me more about the stars, John?"
"Of course."
Helena listened as John began telling her about various stars in the sky above them. She smiled. She could feel the pull of the stars calling to her, calling to John. Calling to them, as if... they were somehow bound together - to wander the stars... and perhaps something more. Helena glanced up at John and was glad they could have this time alone - away from all the concerns of the base for a time. It too was a good idea, this small step toward a better understanding, a better relationship between them.
March 26, 1989
Revised: April 17, 1996
He knew it to be selfish on his part, but as far as John Koenig was concerned, the re-appearance of Lee Russell - if indeed the being now in Medical Center was or could be Lee Russell - could not have come at a worse time. Although they had been in space only a short while, and they were still balanced precariously on the edge between life and death on a daily basis, there were some aspects of his life that were beginning to look up - his relationship with Helena Russell for one. He was nearly certain the potential for more than just friendship between them was evident, but there was little time to really explore it at this point. Yet, they had made progress. They had gotten over their initial antagonism toward one another, had moved beyond the uneasy truce of the first few days following his taking command of the base, and were on a first name basis. John knew part of that was simply because it was easier than constantly using titles, and because they were such a small community. Almost everyone would be on a first name basis, eventually, but deep down Koenig knew it was different for himself and Helena. The time they had spent together in the Observation Room only a few nights ago, the night of the base wide party, had done much for easing tension between them, for allowing coolness to warm, and it had lead John to hope that, perhaps, with a little time, his relationship with Helena would only improve. He still hoped so - or had hoped it would be so until this complication of 'Lee Russell' arose. Koenig was having a difficult time believing Lee Russell had miraculously survived the massive and unknown forces around Jupiter, only to appear on a planet billions of miles from home; a planet they wanted to colonize. Helena seemed to believe it - at least that was the impression she tried to give. Whether she truly believed or not was something only Helena knew. John suspected she couldn't truly believe the being to be Lee Russell. Her heart might want to, but her mind... that was another matter entirely.
As he walked silently beside Helena in the hallway, John glanced at her, unable to prevent his mind from returning to his earlier thoughts. He knew they were making progress in their relationship because he felt comfortable enough with her to tell Mathias they were going to her quarters to talk things over. His office - or hers - would have done as well, but something told John her quarters would be best. Perhaps it was the implied solitude and privacy afforded by personal quarters or perhaps it was simply his wanting Helena to know she could trust him, could confide in him, could consider him a friend - and more - but only if she wanted it. Now it seemed as though all that would matter little, if that being truly was Lee Russell.
One way or another it would be settled before long. They had to make a decision about Terra Nova, and they would soon know more about the Lee Russell situation. Mathias had called and asked to see them in the Care Unit. They would know - something - soon.
Helena met John's gaze as he sat before her on the bed, their hands nearly touching. In his gaze she saw concern, caring, compassion for what she was going through, worry, and... a touch of something more. She was well aware of the fact he cared for her, cared about her, and wanted their friendship to develop more fully. He was coming to know her well, as evidenced by the fact he was certain it was so unlike her to just pass out. He was right. She didn't pass out for no reason, yet she didn't have a reason - that she could remember - for having done so. None of this was making sense, including her mixed feelings about Lee's return.
Noticing the sedative Mathias had given her was beginning to take effect, Koenig took his leave of her and Helena settled back, allowing her thoughts to go where they would as sleep slowly overcame her. And her thoughts bounced between two men. The first she had loved deeply once, but had come to accept that he was forever lost to her, claimed by the unknowns of space. The other she felt she could grow to love, could stand beside him and help to gain a foothold for the Alphans in whatever reaches of space they wandered through.
Part of her desperately wanted that man in Medical Center to be her husband, to be Lee Russell, although logically she knew it could not be. Helena almost longed to return to the familiar comfort of her marriage, to be together with the man she'd loved as her husband, to pick up their lives - and their dreams - where they'd been left before the Astro Seven mission; before space had changed her life so dramatically.
But another part of her was curious, anxious, almost excited by the thought of beginning a new relationship - with John Koenig. She knew it would be unlike any she'd been part of before, simply because John was unlike any man she had known before. It would not be a predictable relationship, nor would it be unexciting - or easy. The little she really knew of John Koenig told her he was a volatile, passionate man. Any relationship - be it as friends or as more than friends - would be the same way. The thought of it excited her as nothing else had in a very long time.
As the final wisps of thought gave way to the softness of sleep, Helena Russell knew only one thing - the situation had to be resolved soon. Terra Nova would be out of their grasp in only a few short days.
Confused by John's conflicting orders concerning Lee, Helena left the Medical Center and returned to her quarters. When they'd first discovered Lee on that Eagle, brought him to Medical Center, John had told her to stay with him. But now, just as they were taking Lee to Koenig's office for 'a talk', he'd told her - insisted - that she was to stay away from Lee. It made little sense. But not much was making sense to her right then. It seemed as though John were trying to protect her, to shield her from Lee. But why should she need protection from her own husband? Lee would never deliberately try to harm her, to endanger her, so why...?
Closing and locking the door behind her, Helena curled up on the couch, unable to sleep again. Could it be John and Victor had discovered something about Lee they did not want her to know? But she would have to know. They could not keep it from her for long.
Whatever had worried John and Victor about Lee no longer mattered. Helena glanced at the closed door of her quarters through which Mathias had just left. His news had been upsetting, relieving, and not totally unexpected. She couldn't fully grieve for Lee, not as she had done last time he'd "died" because, in her heart, she knew she had never really had him back. In her mind, Helena knew the Lee she'd loved, the man she'd married, lived with, then lost to the dangers of his chosen profession had not really been there on Alpha with her. And she couldn't help but wonder what had happened to him on that final orbit about Jupiter. She would never know. As before, Helena knew Lee was truly lost to her forever. She could not live in the past, it brought nothing but sadness, yet it was so hard to completely let go.
As they were all learning on Alpha, they must live for the future. They must concentrate on what lay ahead - survival and perhaps finding a new place to call home. That place just could be Terra Nova.
Helena sighed heavily, a single tear coming to her eye at the thought of Lee not being with her to colonize his world. But then her sadness was replaced by the anxiousness she felt when thinking of John Koenig and her standing beside him as they colonized that world. It no longer mattered to her how Lee had come to be there. She would like to know - as a doctor - what had happened. As Lee's wife, as his widow, she only wanted to forget. And as a woman -- the decision with which she was faced was now academic. Her future lay with the future of Alpha, and very probably with the man who was in command of Moonbase Alpha.
Wishing to escape the turmoil within her for even a little while, Helena Russell turned her attention to a report that awaited her signature. Time would heal as it had before, and she hoped John would be waiting until then.
NO! Not John too! First Paul, killed when his stun gun exploded. Sandra, blinded by that same explosion then lost in the storm that followed, probably dead as well. And now John, killed by a rock slide while trying to protect her, to shield her from harm.
Helena knelt beside John, his final words echoing in her ears as silence settled over the devastated landscape. She stood slowly and stumbled away, only to ease herself down on a boulder as the realization she was totally alone on this world penetrated the shock and grief. She began to cry. It was something she had not done for a very long time. She was so alone - Lee, gone again, John lost to her before they ever had a chance to discover what they could have shared...
But she wasn't alone. The voice cut through her grief, Lee's voice. He had died, back on Alpha, but he was here, with her. Their hands touched and he felt real enough. She listened, confused but understanding and accepting what he told her. Believing it to be the truth of what happened to him around Jupiter because he had no cause to lie to her, to deceive her. The meeting of matter and anti-matter caused this destruction. It would further destroy what had become his world, just as the moon had been destroyed. And he was giving her the power to correct things. Why she would never know.
They stood slowly. Lee's arms went about her in an embrace Helena once thought she would never feel again. But it was not truly Lee's embrace, not the one she remembered, because the man - the being - holding her was not the Lee Russell she remembered. More than his physical being had been changed around Jupiter. Lee was indeed lost to her now. Space had changed him so they could not be together. And it had changed her as well. She knew back on Alpha it was time to make the past just that - past. She need not fear what was ahead of her, for she would not be alone.
Helena felt Lee's arms tighten about her ever so slightly, and somehow, something... coursed through her. The power - the strength Lee said he would give her.
"See what you want to see."
Helena closed her eyes. That could be just about anything. Lee was giving her the power to re-create this world as she wanted. To give life back to those who were lost to her. She could do anything she wanted; create a new Earth, bring Lee back to her in a form that could exist with her, make John more... But no. She could not allow herself any of those fantasies. She was not an all powerful being possessing the right to play around with the order of things, of the universe. This had all happened for a reason. Lee had come to her in a form she recognized and accepted and trusted to warn her of what could be. He was trusting her, enabling her to correct a mistake. She would not betray that trust by changing so much. And Helena knew she would never again see Lee once the planet was back to what they had first seen. No matter what feelings, what emotions had surfaced during the events of the past few days, Helena knew it was time to let go. As a last display of her feelings for Lee, she would not betray his trust.
Returning the embrace Lee gave her, Helena held him briefly, then released him - physically and emotionally. She turned from him and blinked her eyes, walking away. She watched in a daze as the planet reverted to the lushness they had first seen, such a short time ago.
Helena again turned, not surprised to see that Lee was gone. In his place stood John Koenig, slowly making his way toward her. Helena met him halfway. Their hands clasped and eyes met, each knowing and understanding what had taken place here, accepting it was something only they would remember. Together they turned their eyes skyward. The moon was back where it had been before the destruction.
Hands still clasped, John and Helena slowly began to retrace their steps. Helena led him to the pink pool and knelt beside it. She looked up to meet his gaze.
"We cannot stay here, John."
He glanced down, accepting, then activated his commlock. He ordered everyone back to Alpha, and cancelled Operation Exodus.
Kneeling beside Helena, John met her gaze, then dipped his finger in the pool. Ripples danced away from his finger, changing the surface, much as events of the past few days had changed them. Assisting Helena to her feet, John took the lead as they silently made their way back to the Eagle. Terra Nova would remain a mixture of memories.
The moon, and the base on it, moved slowly away from Terra Nova. Kano had provided statistics on the probable number of habitable planets they should eventually pass, but the data did not change what they had all gone through. Koenig glanced up at the Observation balcony in Main Mission, then slowly climbed the stairs.
Helena stood at the far end, her eyes fixed on the gradually receding orb of Terra Nova. The starlight accented her saddened eyes. Koenig moved cautiously closer, knowing what she had left behind on the planet.
"Helena..."
She glanced up as John closed the distance between them, coming to stand at her shoulder so he too could look out at Terra Nova. The promise of what they could find if they could survive until it happened.
"He was... changed, John, to what we experienced down there, but he was still human too, part of him. I'll always wonder..."
"Wonder what?"
"If he'll be able to find someone else so he won't be alone down there the rest of his life. The part of him that is still human..."
"No one should be alone, Helena."
"I know, John, but I have to wonder."
"As he'll wonder about you?"
Helena glanced up again, turning slightly to meet his gaze. They had both learned so much about one another...
"I won't be alone, John, not any longer. I think... I think Lee knew that, sensed it, and that is why he... helped me, helped us."
John nodded, his gaze locked with Helena's. Gently he placed his hands on her shoulders.
"He let you go?"
"Yes."
"And you?"
"I'm... adjusting to really being without him, John. In my mind as well as my heart."
"Perhaps as it should be. I hope there is room in your heart for someone else."
Helena's gaze intensified as she understood his meaning.
"There will be - in time."
"You'll have that time, Helena."
He felt his hands move gently down her arms until their fingers touched, then John turned and left her to her thoughts. Helena's eyes moved from the retreating figure of John Koenig to the retreating view of Terra Nova, then back to John. Yes, in time.
March 11, 1988
Revised: June 6, 1996
The noble gesture. No. Helena had to be honest with John. He deserved that.
"I'm not being noble. If anything... John, it's my life. If it ends here on Alpha or somewhere out in space, what difference can it make?"
Their eyes met and Helena felt John reach for her hands, their fingers barely touching.
"It makes a difference -- to me."
She studied him for a moment, realizing she would give in, she would be on that survival ship because John wanted her there, because, as she'd come to know only hours before Breakaway, she did care for this man, and would do what she could to make his burden of command that much lighter. Even if it meant doing something she did not really want to do.
"... I'd rather stay here on Alpha, with you."
John's expression softened.
"And I'd rather have you here, but... Can either of us deny the other five a chance at survival because of... what we are beginning to feel?"
"No, I suppose not. Computer..."
"Made the choices it had to. As we do."
"I don't want to believe this is all we can hope for, John."
"I know, Helena."
He took her hands and held them tightly, feeling her cold fingers beginning to warm in his grasp. Slowly he bent forward to place a kiss on her cheek. When he pulled back, their gazes met again, then Helena turned and walked from his office. John watched her go and swallowed hard. He had no right to alter computer's choice, no matter how much they each wanted Helena to stay on Alpha. The list was final.
Feeling himself begin to warm up slightly, John watched with disbelief as Victor brought out a cigar and wooden match from one of the zippered pockets of his environmental suit. He began to light up.
"Victor, what the hell are you doing?"
"Oh, I don't think Doctor Russell would mind..."
He cut his sentence short as John glanced down, then turned away. Victor had not meant to bring up painful memories for John. He was aware of what seemed to be developing between the commander and the doctor. A growing friendship, and perhaps much more. Victor knew Helena had remained in the Commander's office longer than the other five members of the survival team, and only they - John and Helena - knew what had passed between them in there. Judging from John's saddened, almost sullen mood now, it had been very personal. There was no way to smooth over what he'd just said, so he would just have to change the subject.
John glanced down, then turned slowly in his chair so Victor couldn't see his face. Doctor Russell. Helena. He hoped she understood his reasons for insisting she be on that ship.
It hadn't been so very long ago that Helena told him she needed time to learn if there was room in her life - in her heart - for someone else once she worked through her feelings for her late husband. He, John Koenig, was that someone and it had torn him apart inside; torn at his developing love for Helena, to let her go, but he'd had no choice. The list was final.
Helena sat silently in the rear of Eagle Five, the supplies for their five week journey surrounding them. She closed her eyes and saw John Koenig's face as he insisted she be on this survival ship. It had been one of the most difficult things he'd ever had to do. She knew that. It made their parting no easier, but she did understand why he'd insisted she go. Because he did care for her - deeply - and although his duties to Alpha, as commander, would always have priority in his life, he also wanted to be sure she was as safe as she could be; had the chance to survive while the others faced almost certain death, himself included. Helena sighed and opened her eyes. Nothing had changed, except her understanding of John Koenig, and her feelings for him. She was on the survival ship instead of on Alpha where they both wanted her to be because of those feelings. And because the list was final.
They stepped from Eagle Five to be met by friends and colleagues eager to welcome them back; anxious to learn how they had survived and returned.
"You must have followed us in."
"We went in the opposite direction, I tell you."
Helena nodded as she agreed with Alan Carter, then voiced what she'd not really considered until just this moment.
"Something... brought us home."
Home. The word brought silence to everyone gathered in the reception area. It was the first time since Breakaway anyone had referred to Alpha as home. It was the truth. Finally John Koenig stepped forward. All eyes were on him.
"Yes, home."
He smiled, then looked at Helena Russell. Hand out to her, she stepped toward him and together they started down the corridor, others following. Victor smiled as he tapped the ash from the end of his cigar onto the Alphan floor.
They turned a corner and re-entered Main Mission, others behind them still chattering about their ride through the Black Sun.
Knowing they wouldn't be missed right away, John continued into his office, Helena ahead of him, and closed the isolation doors. She moved to the lower level of his office and the direct vision ports. Koenig joined her there.
"Helena..."
She smiled as she looked at John, their gazes meeting, hands touching. Her fingers were warm this time.
"I'm glad you're back. Welcome home."
He gave her a warm kiss on the cheek and Helena's eyes smiled at him.
"It's a good feeling, John. Do you suppose we'll ever fully understand what happened? How we were able to find our way back here?"
"Perhaps not. It was all so... incredibly incomprehensible, so utterly beyond anything we have experienced before. All that really matters is you were able to find your way home, perhaps with the aid of Victor's Cosmic Intelligence."
"God?"
"Something like that. Helena, do you understand why you had to go, why I had to..."
"Yes, John, I do. I also understand... several other things; your reasons for insisting I go, my reasons for not wanting to go, my reasons for going anyway."
His hands moved up her arms until they rested below her shoulders. Helena took a step toward him and allowed John to hold her closely. The time she needed was growing less with each moment she spent in John Koenig's company.
When she pulled away, their eyes met.
"Suppose we should go back out there and join the celebration? They're bound to have missed us by now."
"We always seem to be running off to be by ourselves, John."
"Fewer curious eyes that way."
"And I suppose it won't last long, this... privacy and secrecy we are trying to maintain. Sooner or later someone is going to notice and begin talking. We need to enjoy this while we can."
"I know. Helena, when things have calmed down a bit later on, would you have dinner with me tonight?"
"Yes, John, I'd like that - curious eyes or not."
He smiled, then both turned and headed back toward Main Mission. The isolation doors opened, allowing the rest of Alpha temporarily into their private world. It was the second step, and John smiled as he watched Helena laughing with David Kano and Paul Morrow. He could feel the time she needed becoming less. It made Alpha feel just that little bit more like home.
March 26, 1989
Revised: June 6, 1996
He watched Helena Russell walk away, leave his office, the bits of computer paper bearing Simmonds' name still held in his fingers. Already she knew instinctively when he needed time to himself. The door closed behind Helena and John sighed. As much as he had disliked Simmonds, no one deserved to die as the Commissioner would. Yet he had brought it about himself, and there was nothing they could do to help the man. It was out of their hands.
But there was something he could do about a certain situation here on Alpha. Twice in the past sixteen days John realized he'd come so very close - much too close - to losing Helena Russell. First to the Triton probe, and nine days later, to the experiment on the Caldorian ship. Fortunately both incidents had worked out in her favor - in their favor - but he didn't like the feeling, the possibility of knowing he could so easily lose Helena before they knew what they had, or could have. John knew he wouldn't always be able to protect her, to save her from the unknown dangers they faced everyday, but perhaps it was time for him to be a little more aggressive. Until now he had been holding back, trying to give Helena the time she needed to put her feelings for her late husband to rest and find room in her heart for someone else. John was that someone else.
He glanced down at his hand and allowed the scraps of paper to fall into the waste container. They would be recycled and used again. Given another chance. But there might not be another chance with Helena.
He stood to go find her.
Helena Russell was in her office, making a final entry in Commissioner Gerald Simmonds' medical file. He was going to be listed as missing, presumed dead. There was a chance, a very slim one, of the Caldorian computer discovering the error and saving him; reactivating the suspended animation sequence so he would reach earth. A very slim chance; but a chance. The hope Simmonds had insisted they should exploit.
She closed the file, then looked up at the sound of a footstep near her office door.
"John... Are you all right?"
"Yeah,... Yeah, I'm fine."
She nodded and closed Simmonds' computerized file, glancing up at John as the data was stored on the proper disk.
"Helena, I came to tell you..."
She met his gaze, sensing he needed to talk, to be with her but not knowing how to say it.
"We've not had much time to talk in the past couple of weeks, have we, John?"
"No, we haven't."
"I never really got a chance to thank you, for making the Triton probe realize and accept the truth."
"I did what I had to, Helena, to save the base..."
She met his gaze and nodded, knowing he had also done it to save her.
"I understand that, John."
Helena rose and moved around the end of her desk to stand beside John. Their gazes met.
"I also understand why you excluded your name from those eligible to return to Earth."
"You do?"
"Yes. You know, Captain Zantor offered me that spot on his ship when I was running my tests on the Caldorians."
"What did you tell him?"
"Nothing. I gave him no answer. Then, when you asked me if I'd go..."
"You said it was a tempting offer."
"Yes, I did, and it was, but... I would have declined. There's nothing for me back on Earth."
"Not even with Captain Zantor?"
So, John had noticed the attraction they'd had for one another. Good.
"Not even with him. My life is on Alpha now... He did say my beauty would be greatly enhanced by suspended animation."
"It was."
She smiled and blushed slightly, remembering John's expression, and her feelings when she'd awakened from the experiment to find John gazing down at her. John was beginning to grow slightly impatient. But she wasn't quite ready yet, ready to let go completely and allow him into her heart.
"I admit I was tempted, but when I thought of all I could accomplish in seventy five years, time that would be wasted had I agreed... I'm needed here more."
"It keeps coming back to time, doesn't it, Helena?"
"Yes, but time put to good use, I hope."
"That's something we must each answer for ourselves."
"True."
"Helena, we still have time."
It was almost a question, and Helena nodded. The realization that, given a choice, Helena would choose Alpha, had not been a startling one. Her life was now on Alpha, and more and more it was centering on this man before her; this man who was so determined and confident when under pressure, when in command, but so uncertain around her, about how to approach her and make their time together count for something. She met his eyes again.
"Yes, John, we still have time."
He nodded. Her eyes held a promise of what was to come but could not be just yet. She did understand - so much about him. He smiled. So long as they both knew, and realized what they were heading toward, he could be content to wait just a little longer. The realization would hold him until Helena no longer needed that time they'd spoken of. He could wait.
March 27, 1989
Revised: June 6, 1996
He stood near one side of the Observation Room, eyes fixed on the slowly receding spaceship graveyard, but not fully seeing it. His mind was on other things, related yes, but not fully on the ships that would drift forever in the void.
He felt a gentle touch on his arm and blinked, turning toward her as she spoke.
"I thought I might find you here, John. Are you all right?"
"Yes, just... thinking. I'd like to have given them all more than simply being left behind on a dead spaceship with an alien creature that may or may not also be dead; a more fitting memorial of some sort. But I know we couldn't risk it, risk even the smallest chance of bringing that monster, Tony's dragon - back to Alpha."
Helena nodded, her eyes resting briefly on the spaceships in the distance before glancing down at her hands.
"I am sorry about Tony, John."
"He died trying to clear himself, Helena, died for something he knew was real, something he believed."
"I know that, now."
Their eyes met briefly, then moved on to the stars about them. Silence was between them for a time until John turned back toward Helena.
"Why did you follow us onto the Ultra Probe ship?"
She met his gaze. When he'd first suggested she stay behind on the Eagle, Helena had been briefly offended and resentful, but quickly realized it was her safety John was trying to ensure. His ever growing desire, and need, to protect her had prompted the suggestion, nothing else.
"Because I needed to confirm that your belief in Cellini was well founded as much as Cellini needed to go back and face his monster. I told you I'd never understood your admiration for him. I think now, maybe, I'm beginning to."
John nodded and watched as Helena sighed heavily, then moved a few steps away from him. Her head was bowed, her back to him, and John could feel something not quite right between them. He closed the distance separating them and rested his hands on her shoulders.
"What is it, Helena? What's wrong?"
She shook her head but John turned her to face him.
"Helena."
"It's... us, John."
"Us?"
"Yes."
"You mean the disagreement about Tony?"
"It was more than a disagreement, or even an argument, John. It was an all out fight."
"Guess maybe it was."
"And it truly bothered me, disturbed me to be feeling what I was - toward you, about us."
"That was a professional conflict, Helena. It shouldn't affect our personal lives."
"But it did."
He nodded, thinking of the flowering plant he'd brought her to help smooth things over. He'd not have done that had it been on a purely professional basis.
"I know."
"We're both the type who won't back down on something we feel strongly about, John. We wouldn't be doing our jobs here if we did. We'd be letting the others down. And while our professional positions shouldn't affect our personal lives, you know they will, simply because of who we are, what we do. I'm not sure I can deal with that, John. I'm not even sure about us."
She sadly met his eyes, knowing she was being unfair to John. Helena knew what he was feeling for her went deeper than friendship; had the potential for so much more. And she wanted to return those feelings, but couldn't quite yet. This conflict about Tony Cellini had only served to confuse her more. John shook his head.
"But I am, Helena. I am sure about us. I can't promise you that our professional lives won't complicate, perhaps even interfere now and then with our personal lives, but I'm not willing to give up on us simply to avoid minor conflicts and disagreements. Our relationship can be - and is - stronger than that. Conflicts will happen in any situation, no matter what the circumstances. Helena, I see the potential for something very special, unique between us beginning to develop, to evolve. I want to take that potential as far as we can go with it."
"John..."
"Helena, I promised you the time you needed, and you will have it. But I also promised myself I would make life on Alpha as pleasant as possible for everyone here. That includes the two of us."
She smiled again, slowly, lowering her eyes to her hands. John's hands came up to cover her hands and he squeezed gently.
"It's like the reality and hope that is so much a part of this room, Helena. We know what we're beginning to feel is very real, and we can hope for something more, something very intense and lasting."
Helena swallowed and looked up to meet John's gaze.
"It won't be easy."
"Would you want it to be?"
"No, I suppose not."
John smiled, then placed a tender parting kiss on Helena's cheek. He headed for the Observation Room door, leaving Helena to her thoughts. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. Helena Russell would be a part of his personal future, of that John Koenig was certain. He smiled to himself as he glanced back at Helena, who was gazing up at the stars, her thoughts filled with so many possibilities. He was also certain she would come to the same conclusion about him as he had of her. Their hopes were far reaching, endless, but their reality was anchored in one another, on Moonbase Alpha. He was certain.
The door closed behind John but Helena did not hear. She was considering all he'd said, all they could have - the hopes and realities of a life together on Moonbase Alpha. Just a bit more time and she could make that choice; that commitment John hoped for. She too smiled.
March 28, 1989
Revised: June 10, 1996
Helena Russell sat in her dimly lit quarters, eyes resting on nothing in particular as her thoughts wandered, while her mind digested all that occurred recently. Events had moved so quickly, so swiftly that she'd not had time to consider, to absorb and accept all she'd lived through.
With Terra Nova only a few days behind them, the Alphans had faced the first real test of their abilities to survive in space when they encountered that black sun. The fact they were able to withstand and survive the tremendous forces involved was miracle enough, but Helena discovered how deep human resourcefulness and inventiveness could go when everything was at stake. She also discovered whatever was developing between herself and John Koenig was more intense, deeper, more compelling than she had realized, than he had realized, and perhaps than either was ready to admit.
It touched something in Helena she'd not felt for as very long time when John told her it mattered to him where and how she died. Having seen him 'die', then recover on Terra Nova made her realize it was more than nobility on her part that had prompted her not wanting to accept her place on the survival ship. She'd known, without conscious thought, that if she were to die, she wanted to be with John. It mattered little she had only recently told John she needed time; time to find a place in her heart for him. It was already there, more firmly established than she'd realized.
Other events passed through her memory: her encounter with the Triton probe, the Caldorians' visit and Simmonds'... entombment on their ship bound for Earth. The encounter with their other selves on an Earth they did not know, then John being 'lost' to the planet Zenno, only to return to Alpha; all had helped to make her realize how firmly established John Koenig's place was in her heart. Most significant though, had been their encounter with their other selves - that second moon, that other Earth and... a woman who in another reality had loved and married the man she herself was coming to know. That knowledge, of John and Helena's love in another place, another time even, had filled Helena's dreams with speculation. She'd seen how deeply John was loved by her other self, and wondered if it could be that way in her reality. Helena now knew it could be so. The hardest, most difficult and painful thing she'd ever had to do - as a woman - had been to turn off John Koenig's life support system when they thought him lost to Zenno. Once more losing him before they'd really had a chance to learn what could be. She did not know how he had come back from his journey to Zenno, perhaps she would never know, but the elation she'd felt upon hearing his voice was something completely new to her.
Reality. Helena knew it had only been a matter of days since she'd let go of Lee Russell in order to develop something with another man, with John Koenig. Days. It seemed to make little difference out in space. John had a firm place in her heart. She would not be alone as she had been for so long, and knowing John's feelings for her were as intense, and sudden, helped. Days. She almost dared not think beyond a single day. No one knew what could be ahead of them in space. And yet the hope and optimism was there. She wanted to plan a future. One that included John Koenig. She sensed he felt the same way.
The interlude of nothing but routine activity on Alpha was a blessing as far as John Koenig was concerned. It gave him the chance to sit back and sort through some of the things he'd experienced recently. A great deal of it had centered around his growing feelings for Helena Russell. Even, in a round about way, his actions while a 'guest' of Raan on the planet Zenno. At the time he believed he might actually have felt something for Vana, but now, with distance, time and reality behind him, John knew it had only been a ruse - to help Vana realize he could no more fit in on Zenno than she could on Alpha, and to make Raan realize the futility of trying to keep him on Zenno against his will. John hoped Vana had not been too deeply hurt. That had never been his intention, but John had wanted Raan to understand the choice was not one he could make - it had been made for him the day he took command of Alpha, the day of Breakaway. Perhaps the alien scientist would find some useful information in the data he'd gathered during the 'experiment' after all.
Sighing, John admitted - to himself - that anything he may have felt for Vana, be it love, sympathy or compassion, faded when he'd seen Helena Russell's bewildered, surprised, delighted, joyful face as he spoke to her after his supposed death. Victor had since told him of the struggle Helena raged with herself to make that decision - to turn off his life support system. Her reaction had been genuine, just as he'd been unable to keep his eyes from her features after his 'return'.
She'd said she needed time. He would give her that, but John began to realize the period needed by her would not be as long as first anticipated.
He smiled. She'd already found a place in his heart. It would not be long until the reverse was also true. Now, in this interlude of quiet between what was behind them and what was still to come, John hoped he and Helena both would be able to put things in order in their minds. His return from planet Zenno ten days before was in perspective - or so he hoped. And once the wound on his forehead was completely healed, there would only be snatches of memory to remind him of what transpired.
Pulled from his reverie by the buzzing that signaled someone was at his door, John Koenig blinked, activating his commlock as he pulled it from its stand on a nearby table. He couldn't help but smile when he saw Helena Russell's image on the tiny screen.
"John."
"Helena, come in..."
He pressed the stud to open the door to his quarters and Helena entered. She stood by the door as it closed, meeting John's gaze.
"I'm not disturbing you, am I?"
"Of course, not, Helena. Come in, sit."
She inclined her head slightly and smiled, moving across the floor to sit on the end of the couch closest to the chair by which he stood.
"I missed you earlier today when you came by to have your wound checked. I wanted to look at it myself. You're not having any trouble with it, are you?"
"No, Helena, I hardly notice it anymore."
She stood again and moved to where John sat in the chair, reaching out toward the bandage covering his injury. John smiled and relaxed as Helena's skilled fingers examined his wound. They both knew it was not the true reason for her visit to his quarters. She could easily have called him in to the Medical Center in the morning, but it would suffice should anyone question it. She was making a simple house call.
Helena met John's eyes a bit uneasily when she finished her quick probe of his injury, then returned to her spot on the end of the couch, returning his casual smile.
"It is healing beautifully, John. There should only be a faint scar, which will fade in time."
"That's good to know, Helena. What have you been doing with you 'leisure' time these past few days?"
"Work mostly, getting caught up on things, but I have had a chance to do some thinking."
"Good. As have I."
"John..."
She couldn't find the right words then, and looked up to meet John's gaze. It held a soft, gentle message she doubted few had ever seen. The man she was sitting with was a stark contrast to the firm, determined, sometimes slightly overbearing man who was in command of the base they all depended on for life. And Helena knew she need not fear or hesitate around this man. This was John. He'd left the guise of Commander Koenig somewhere else for the moment.
"John,... remember that time I told you I needed awhile ago?"
"Yes..."
"I don't think I need any more - want any more."
"You're certain?"
"I'm certain, John. Everyday I tell people to let go of the past and live for the future. It's about time I took some of my own advice."
Helena smiled and met John's gaze without hesitation.
"Seems wise to me, Helena."
"And to me. The room for you in my heart was always there, it just took awhile for that fact to reach my head."
Tenderly John reached out for Helena until their fingers met. The acceptance he found there told him part of his life - their lives - would always be firmly anchored in whatever developed between them. Helena's eyes reflected that same realization.
Frowning as his commlock buzzed a second time, John reached for it distractedly.
"Koenig."
"Commander."
"Yes, Kano?"
"Computer reports a new contact. Long range scanners indicate the possibility of life, and we are receiving computer activity confirmation. We have begun broadcasting on all frequencies and should be within Eagle range in just under thirty six hours."
"Thank you Kano... Have reports on my desk in the morning."
"Yes sir."
Koenig flipped the devise off and glanced back at Helena. There was nothing he could do about the contact now. It would still be there come morning. Presently he wanted to devote his time to discovering the woman sitting with him. Their places in each other's hearts was established. What came next, what developed from those places, was up to them.
March 11, 1988
Revised: June 10, 1996
They had brought a dead world back to life, and were no longer within range. The Alphans could not take advantage of what the planet now had to offer. But, as disappointed as she was at missing out on the chance of a possible new home, Helena Russell's thoughts were not totally on that now distant planet.
As a precaution, once everyone was safely back on Alpha, John Koenig ordered a complete and thorough check of all base systems, down to and including the most insignificant computer function. Everything seemed to check out fine. David Kano was pleased and John Koenig seemed satisfied that all was back to normal operations. But Helena was not. She wondered and worried how a computer - a machine - had been able to so completely affect and control their human minds. The more she studied the problem, the more convinced she became that the Pirian computer had found a way to alter their environment to make their minds more open to suggestion. It was almost as if a chemical imbalance had been electronically programmed into them all to act as if they were under the influence of some mind altering substance; in this case, the Pirian computer.
Helena's own actions were proof of that. As part of her investigation, Helena checked her medical records; the orders she had given while under the Pirian computer's influence to be certain no one received improper treatment - then or now. And she was shocked by her own actions - her apparent lack of any real concern for patients, their conditions, and her ability to so casually dismiss a potentially dangerous condition as minor. If some deep, basic concern and instinct to preserve life, as yet untouched by the Pirian computer not surfaced when it had, John Koenig could easily have died from complications as a result of the injuries sustained in his fight with Alan Carter.
Helena shuddered. The facts frightened her. Not simply the knowledge that as a doctor she had been influenced so her regard for life was affected, but the knowledge that the person she could have killed through neglect had been John Koenig, a man who, in spite of all she had done to him - sedating him, confining him to quarters and restricting his commlock - had turned to her for help while on the surface of Piri. He could as easily have gone to Victor, or Tanya, or any of the Main Mission staff, but he had chosen her. Helena blushed slightly when recalling the thoughts running through her mind as John pulled her toward the Eagle. She'd been giggling like a schoolgirl, yet if she weren't so very attracted to John, the thoughts would not have come to her, not caused her to blush now.
"Helena?"
Startled, Helena jumped slightly as she looked up, finding John Koenig just inside the open door to her office. She'd not heard him approach.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Doctor Mathias said you were still here."
"Yes, I was following up on a few things left over from Piri."
"Problems?"
"No, more like cautious curiosity. I was hoping to learn how a mechanical intelligence could influence a biological intelligence so completely as to make us do... all the things we did."
"And...?"
"I've found nothing conclusive yet. I have a theory or two that I may never be able to confirm, but the speculation is interesting."
"Care to share it over coffee?"
Helena nodded as she smiled, cleared off her desk and joined Koenig by the door. He returned her smile and together they left the medical center.
Silence was their companion as they walked the corridors to the cafeteria. Once seated, hot cup of coffee before each, John reached across the table to touch Helena's hand. Their gazes met.
"What's wrong?"
She began to shake her head, to deny there was anything wrong, but the slight increase of pressure on her hand from John stopped her.
"Helena..."
Only a few short days ago she had told John there was room in her life, in her heart, for him and already she could hide nothing from him. She smiled sadly and met his gaze again.
"I'm trying to figure out..."
"What?"
"After all I did to you before leaving for Piri, the betrayal you must have felt when learning I had ordered your confinement to quarters..."
"Go on."
"Well,... Why did you come to me for help on Piri?"
"Because I couldn't do it alone."
He met Helena's gaze and shook his head. That wasn't the real reason. Just as she couldn't hide anything from him, John was learning the reverse was also true. He could hide nothing from Helena. Nor did he want to.
"No, that's not completely true, not the only reason... Before I went down to Piri that last time, the Servant visited me here. It healed my injuries, tried to convert me to the Pirian way of thinking and accepting. And it used you as an example. I suppose it figured if I saw how sedate and content you were, I'd want to join you there, to share it. Instead, I saw a vital, intelligent woman, whom I'm coming to care more and more for each day, losing the independence, the spark, the vitality that was part of the reason I was attracted to her. It twisted my insides like nothing I'd felt before. On my way down to Piri, all I could think of was breaking that hold on you; of bringing you back to normal. I was worried about all the others too, but I doubt I would have been so... determined, would have acted so rashly had the Servant chosen to show me anyone else. I did need help, I wanted you near me when I tried. I did not know what would happen, and..."
Helena had covered John's hand with her other one and their gazes met again. He need not say more. She knew. She understood.
"You were never seduced by what the Guardian was offering. You saw the reality right from the beginning."
"Perhaps. I do know that perfection is not for us, not for humans. We are imperfect for a reason."
She nodded and glanced down, her smile fading slightly. John knew what was still bothering her.
"Helena, you can't be held responsible for what you did - what you were caused to do, forced to do - while under the Guardian's influence. You had no control over yourself. The Guardian was using you - all the Alphans - to achieve its own misguided directives. I didn't feel betrayed, Helena. A little hurt, perhaps, until I remembered you were simply being used by the Pirian computer, and that only served to strengthen my determination all the more."
Their gazes met again and Helena smiled slowly.
"Thank you, John."
"For what?"
"For... everything, for the truth."
"I hope we'll always have that, Helena."
"I'm sure we will."
Both smiled.
August 1, 1988 Revised: June 23, 1996
An atmosphere. That was about the last thing John Koenig had ever expected to see over the lunar surface, but then, less than two years ago the last thing he would have expected was to be in command of a wandering moon, torn from its ageless orbit around Earth due to a nuclear accident. He was quickly coming to believe there was no longer anything he should not expect.
An atmosphere. It was a mixed blessing. Already he could sense a slight drop in efficiency as people dwelt on how they were going to spend their allotted time out in the sunshine and fresh air. Helena said they'd have to be careful about sitting in drafts. As he'd replied, they had just exchanged one set of problems for another.
And one of the problems was to learn more about this new world they had been living on for months. While they'd been over nearly every inch of it in the time since Breakaway, searching and scanning for anything that could be of use to them, it had always, always been in the dark, airless void of space. Things would look much different 'in the light of day' as the old saying went. The Alphans needed to know what they had to work with since the Beings of the planet Ariel had been kind enough to give them what they wanted and searched for -- a habitable planet. He could see only one way to learn what lay before them on the lunar surface.
Koenig glanced out the direct vision port of his office, feeling a soft, gentle smile come to his face when his gaze rested on Helena sitting a bit apart from the noise and excitement of everyone else. Her golden hair caught and radiated the early beginnings of a colorful sunset. How many more could they expect to see?
Turning, John left the confines of the base, feeling an odd sensation when he willingly stepped onto the lunar surface without a spacesuit. But the distantly warm sun on his face and the breeze that disturbed his hair let those thoughts pass almost instantly. Something else told him to enjoy it while he could. There was much work ahead of them.
Listening to the faint but audible crunch of his boots on the lunar soil, Koenig slowly approached Helena Russell as she sat on a low outcropping of rocks, her eyes focused on some distant, perhaps invisible spot. He didn't want to startle her. But she heard his approach and glanced over her shoulder, giving him a soft smile.
"John."
"Helena, mind if I join you?"
"Of course not, John. I'm pleased to see you out here getting a bit of fresh air."
"Hard to resist, after all the months cooped up in there."
Helena's response was simply a smile and a nod, then she turned her face to the wind and allowed it to blow her hair. She closed her eyes.
"I can almost smell the ocean."
John watched her appreciatively, his love for this woman growing. He did likewise and smiled. After a moment he opened his eyes to find Helena glancing away quickly, not wanting him to know she had been watching him. John smiled and stood.
"Walk with me?"
For an answer, Helena also stood and took the hand John held out to her. Slowly she and John began to wind their way through the clusters of rocks. Perhaps, someday, it would be a grove of trees...
Above them the sky was taking on brilliant pink and orange hues as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon. They walked directly toward it, their eyes never once leaving the changing colors reflected by the clouds.
"When was the last sunset you saw, Helena?"
She glanced at John, holding the hair back from her eyes with long, delicate fingers.
"The last one I saw or the last one I enjoyed?"
Koenig spread his hands, giving her the option of telling him whatever she wanted.
"The last one I saw was the night before I came to Alpha. I spent the entire night on the beach, listening to the ocean, feeling the breeze against my face, in my hair, and watching the moon make its way across the sky, studying the features I was soon to see first hand."
"Sounds very... peaceful, Helena."
"It was. I did a lot of thinking that night."
"But you didn't enjoy that sunset?"
"In some ways I did..."
"But in other ways you didn't because... no one was there to share it?"
Helena Russell glanced out the corner of her eye at the man strolling beside her. He was more caring, more sensitive than he let on, than others cared to believe, but she was coming to see depths to John Koenig few others knew of.
"Yes... The last sunset I enjoyed was... a week before Lee left Earth for the Astro Seven mission. We'd rented a mountain lake cabin for a few days and that last night we spent walking and talking... What about you, John?"
"The last sunset I saw was as I left Earth to come here. I can't remember the last one I enjoyed -- until tonight."
He met Helena's gaze and thought she blushed, but couldn't be sure in the reddened, fading light.
"I will say this. I hardly expected to be walking on the surface of the moon, enjoying our very own sunset with a beautiful woman."
This time he was certain Helena blushed and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. Coming to a large, low rock, they sat and watched as the last rays of sunlight gave way to the darkness and glittering stars shimmering above them.
"Helena, I've been doing some thinking today, giving priorities to what is ahead of us. One of the first things we must do is find out what lies in store for us on the surface. I was rather hoping you would be willing to command a team on a short exploration mission."
"Me, John? Wouldn't you or Victor..."
"Helena, I wouldn't ask if I weren't sure you have the qualities and abilities needed. Will you do it?"
In the almost complete darkness, Helena met John's gaze and nodded. Considering how they had started off only months before, she thought this to be quite a step forward - for both of them - in several ways. She would do nothing to make John lose his professional confidence in her.
"Of course, John."
"Good. I'll have more details for you in the morning. It won't be a long mission -- I don't want you away from me for more than a couple of days. I'll get lonely."
Helena responded to John's grin with a smile of her own and a gentle squeeze of his hand. Their gazes met, then both stood, knowing it was time they went back inside the base. With the setting of the sun the temperature was rapidly decreasing, and neither was dressed for cool weather. Helena did not want to start treating the Alphans for colds again.
Unable to sleep, too upset by the day's events to allow himself to sleep, John Koenig stood by the direct vision port of his quarters, hands stuffed in his robe pockets, gazing out over the cold night landscape of the moon. In many respects it was more harsh, more deadly this way than it had been before the people of Ariel gave them an atmosphere. Before, if a person were lost out there with little or no hope of rescue, they were assured a relatively quick, painless, death. Lack of oxygen once suit supplies ran out would cause unconsciousness followed by a painless, peaceful death. Or it would be quick, from explosive decompression. But this way... suffering the extremes of temperature, constantly blasted by dust from high winds and little or no source of ready water... this way death would be a prolonged agony. One that perhaps his friends were suffering.
Damn! Somewhere out there, four people, one in particular, whom he cared about were struggling against the elements with the hope Alpha would soon find them before the time they didn't even know they were short on ran out. Somewhere out there four friends were fighting against death, and the hardest part of it all for Koenig was not the possibility they might not survive, not the probability of injuries caused by the crash of Eagle Two Eight, but the knowledge that he, John Koenig, had sent them to that fate. He had asked them to go, to do this for Alpha. Any one of them could have refused, but because he had put his trust in them, none had. Ultimately he was responsible for whatever became of them. It was not something John enjoyed knowing.
And as certain as he was responsible for the fate of Eagle Two Eight's crew, he knew it would not stop with them. Until they found the home they searched for - longed for, be it there on the moon, on Ariel, or on some distant, as yet uncharted planet - he would have to continue sending men and women into danger, perhaps into death. There was no way out of it. His duties as commander called for decision making that could cost others their lives, perhaps as it would cost the lives of Eagle Two Eight's crew. It was an aspect of command John would never like, never enjoy, never do willingly.
Perhaps more than anyone else on Alpha, John Koenig longed for that elusive place to call home. He longed for the same reasons as everyone else, but also for the relief it would bring him from being responsible for over three hundred lives every day. Someday...
But lately he had begun to include someone else in his dreams and fantasies of a future; since before she told him she no longer needed time, had the place in her heart for him. And that someone was presently out there somewhere, in need of his help, and he was unable to provide it adequately. There had to be a way though. They had not come this far to be stopped now. He would find a way to bring Paul, Sandra, Alan and Helena back to Alpha safely. And after that, John again wondered how many sunsets he and Helena would be able to enjoy - together.
Turning from the darkened landscape, Koenig slowly walked toward his bed, removing his bathrobe. He had assured Bob Mathias - and Victor - that he would at least try to rest. Stretching out, John pulled the sheet over his shoulders and closed his eyes, his thoughts of Helena and the others.
He tried to clear his mind after a time, to allow sleep to come, but it wouldn't. When he closed his eyes, Helena's image was before him. And he couldn't help remembering that once again he could so easily lose her before they'd had a chance to really know what they could have; fulfill the promise of what was developing between them. He no longer had to wonder what his feelings for Helena were; he loved her, and everyday that love became more intense, more deep. He had yet to tell her so, sensing the time was not quite right, but he expected she knew. Helena had not told him of her feelings for him either, but he could see what she was feeling. The way her eyes lit up when he was near, the smile she gave to him alone. In just over three months, since Helena admitted there was room in her heart for him, John had been allowing their relationship to develop at its own speed, not pushing but taking it as it came. He'd never regretted that decision - and still didn't, but was determined not to lose Helena before he had a chance to tell her.
And he could so easily lose her. It was a danger they faced everyday. There had been many close calls - for both of them. Anton Zoref seeking heat from Helena in the Medical Center; Jarak and Rena holding her hostage were only two recent incidents. And now this. Helena lost somewhere on the ever changing hostile surface of the moon.
He sighed and rolled onto his side. There had to be a way of finding Helena and the others. He wouldn't give up until they were safely back on Alpha, until he saw Helena's smile again. And he would tell her. Soon.
John rolled over again, this time so he could gaze out the direct vision port across his quarters. Somewhere out there Helena was fighting to survive. He would do all he could to be certain she did.
Helena sat beside a feverish Sandra Benes, doing her best to cool the other woman with a damp cloth. Behind her Paul was stretched out resting but not asleep while Alan snored softly. They were all exhausted, worried about Sandra and themselves. At least they knew Alpha was searching for them, and tomorrow they would do their best in helping Alpha to locate their position.
Sitting back, Helena sighed and sipped her water ration slowly. This was her first real 'command', the first time John - or anyone - had trusted her abilities and judgment enough to make her responsible for the lives under her authority. She was responsible for lives everyday, faced with life and death decisions - medical decisions - constantly, but this was different. And she would not disappoint John Koenig. One way or another she would keep them all alive and functional long enough to let Alpha's search be successful. She owed that to John, to Alan, Paul and Sandra, but especially she owed it to herself.
Hearing someone nearby, Helena glanced up to see Paul squatting down beside her, his hand reaching out to touch Sandra's feverish skin. He frowned, then met Helena's gaze in the darkened Eagle cabin.
"Let me sit with her for a time, Helena. Try to rest."
Helena was about to protest, to tell Paul he needed rest more than she, but the sadly worried look on his face stopped her. This man wanted - and needed - to feel as if he were helping Sandra directly; taking an active part in caring for her, so Helena nodded. She rose, placed a comforting hand on Morrow's shoulder, then tiredly took the few steps across the cabin to her own sleeping bag. She stretched out, closing her eyes to almost instant sleep. There was nothing more she could do that night, and Paul would certainly alert her to any change in Sandra's condition.
Koenig knew he was being unreasonable. The Eagle techs were doing their best to fight something they'd never encountered before, but he couldn't help it. Those four people out there were his friends, and he would not accept responsibility for their deaths, would not give up trying to locate them until the last possible moment. He had told Victor 'We've got to find them.' and he'd meant it - even if that determination would put everyone out on the surface searching on foot. It might come to that - if they couldn't get an Eagle working properly, or if he found he couldn't wait the two days he had given the techs to corrosion-proof an entire craft. Anything could happen to Helena and the others in two days... He didn't want to consider the possibilities.
Coughing from the never ending dust, Helena forced the Eagle hatch open and glanced over at Sandra. She seemed to be sleeping again - thank goodness she would be all right. She would be weak for a time and would need careful tending, but she was out of immediate danger. As for Paul,... she could only guess what had caused him to go off in search of 'water', where there was none, in the dead of night. She could only hope he would be able to find his way back to the ship by morning, for breaking that kind of news to Sandra would...
Suddenly Helena realized someone was watching her and glanced up to find Alan awake. She shook her head, anticipating his question, not wanting him to wake Sandra nor for her to know the truth just yet if she were not asleep. Come daylight would be soon enough.
Resuming her bed, Helena met Alan's gaze and he frowned, matching her own thoughts. Paul should have known better, had more sense and consideration for them, but desperation could cause a man to do unusual things and maybe, just maybe, he would be lucky and find water, or something that could help them survive until Alpha found them.
Too tired to think any more about it, Helena closed her eyes to exhaustion.
Finally it was over. Thanks to Helena's desperate signal, the crew of the now destroyed Eagle Two Eight had been found before it was too late. Mathias was checking them over now, in the rear of Eagle One, and they were all headed for home - for Alpha. John glanced down at his knuckles - the ones he'd had to use to subdue Paul Morrow - and grimaced slightly. They would need tending, but could wait until later.
Hearing the hatch open behind him, Koenig glanced up from his flying to see Mathias kneel beside him, a look of relieved satisfaction on his face. He nodded once to the Commander's silent question.
"They'll all recover, sir. Everyone is a little dehydrated and under-nourished, but a few days of careful dietary monitoring will take care of that."
John nodded and glanced at the doctor again as he peered down at some notes. Knowing Koenig wanted details, Mathias continued.
"Individually, their conditions vary a bit. Paul is perhaps the worst off; suffering from an unknown dosage of an unknown hallucinogen. He should be all right once it is out of his system, but we'll be watching him carefully for a number of days. His other injuries are minor. Sandra seems to be recovering well from her concussion and there appear to be no other complications. Alan is the best off of them all, having received only minor cuts and bruises in his fight with Paul. Helena appears to only have had the wind knocked out of her, but there are some bruises about her neck where Paul tried to strangle her. I will of course check them all thoroughly once we get back to base. Right now I have them all mildly sedated. We'll have no trouble with any of them."
Koenig grinned as he chuckled with Mathias. He knew exactly who the doctor meant. Alan was as horrid a patient as himself. So was Helena for that matter, but for much different reasons.
"I'll have medical teams waiting when we land, Bob."
"Very good, Commander. I'd best get back to my patients."
Both men nodded, then the doctor stood and left Koenig to pilot them all home.
The only sound to be heard in Main Mission was the hum and beep of equipment. Everyone gathered at the direct vision ports, silently watching the final sunset over the lunar surface. They'd not gone into orbit and the Beings of Planet Ariel had taken back the atmosphere before it froze and crushed out the precious life on the moon.
As the last fading colors of red and orange turned once again into the familiar darkness of deep space, John Koenig could feel the depression and sadness at losing another potential home settle over his people. They had a right to mourn for that lost home, but not for long. Once more they had to face the seemingly endless task of survival. Regret for the past was something for which they had little room.
Turning to meet Helena's gaze as she turned to meet his, John continued the motion and urged her toward his office. Victor followed silently and once inside John's office with the isolation doors secured, they returned to the direct vision ports. There was no longer any trace of the atmosphere they'd so briefly held. Helena shook her head and turned away.
"The last sunset..."
"Perhaps for the moon, Helena, but not for the Alphans. Somewhere, in that vastness of the universe..."
Victor let the sweeping motion of his hands and the slight curve of a smile on his lips finish the sentence for him. Then, silently, he left the room.
Koenig stood beside the direct vision port a moment longer, watching while the door closed behind his friend. His eyes went to Helena as she remained by the couch, also watching after Victor. Then, slowly, he moved to stand by her, his hands resting on her shoulders, their gazes meeting.
"Are you all right, Helena?"
"I'm fine, John, glad it's all over... With the air gone, Ariel not wanting us... It all seems so final, John."
He studied Helena a moment, wondering if he were truly seeing in her what it sounded like. But no, they were only momentary thoughts on her part, brought about by the events she had so narrowly escaped.
"Helena, I refuse to believe the human species is not worth a risk or two. It may have been the last sunset, but in between those few sunsets the Beings of Ariel gave us, we were able to do what no one ever believed possible - the last thing anyone ever expected - walk and breath freely on the lunar surface. No one will ever be able to take those memories from us. The things we learned and realized are with us forever."
She nodded, seeing reflected in John's eyes his memories of that first sunset, the one shared with her, and she smiled. Yes, between the sunsets was something that could never be taken away.
John answered her smile with one of his own.
"Come on, why don't you show me more of these... mushrooms of Paul's. Wonder if they'd be good deep fried, or maybe on pizza."
Together they headed for the rear door of his office, Ariel fading to an invisible spec on the universal horizon behind them.
February 12, 1987
Revised: May 4, 1989
He could still hear her terrified scream echo in his ears, feel her trembling in his arms as he'd pulled her free of the decaying mass - the death grip - that had once been Doctor Cabot Rowland. And then he'd held her, not believing himself what just happened, trying to help her calm down until the others, finally knocked out of their own terrified shock, took action. Victor and Alan covered the corpse with a blanket while Doctor Mathias took charge of Helena and gave her a mild sedative. She had been reluctant to leave John's arms, only allowing him back to his pilot duties once she'd fallen asleep.
Now, John sat beside Helena in her quarters, waiting for the sedative to wear off. He opened his eyes and reached out to gently touch her face. The lines of fright and terror were gone, replaced by softer, more calming expressions reflecting a peaceful sleep. He studied Helena carefully. He'd seen a side of this woman she'd kept hidden from him all these months, a side he was sure she didn't like to admit having. Helena always seemed to calm, so in control of herself - professionally and personally. Yet in that instant, it had all vanished, allowing her vulnerability to show through, her fear of the unknown and the fact she was, despite what many claimed, as human and as feeling as the next person. Her show of control, of strength - like his own - was a facade. To let the others know, inside, you were as frightened and as uncertain as they could be a mistake. They had to appear brave to those they led so they too would have the strength, the will to fight and survive against incomprehensible odds. And that realization made John smile. It only served to intensify his growing love for Helena, and his desire to make her such a very important part of his life. He knew he could really do very little to protect her from the harsh realities, the dangers, of space, but there on Alpha protected as they were for a time, he wanted to do all he could to make their lives together the best possible.
"John..."
He blinked, unaware Helena had awakened and was watching him. He smiled as he leaned closer and took her hand.
"Helena,... how do you feel?"
"... All right... Doctor Rowland... was that..."
"Yes, as soon as we left the outer atmosphere of Ultima Thule, whatever hold the planet had on him, whatever had kept him from aging normally was... neutralized, and he once again became mortal."
Helena nodded as she sat up, then shivered. She could still feel the cold of Thule, and perhaps would for a long time.
"It's all so hard to believe, to understand. One moment I was talking to him and the next..."
She shivered again as the decayed being's image came back to her mind. John moved to sit beside her on the bed and took her in his arms, holding her close again.
"Yes, but Jack Tanner tried to warn him -- warn us. And now, looking back, what Jack told us does make sense."
Helena met his gaze briefly. He had known - or suspected - something was wrong and once again she'd not been ready to believe him - just as when he'd claimed Arra would not allow them -- the moon and the Alphans -- to collide with her world of Astheria less than two weeks before. When would she learn to trust this man, to believe in his instincts as she tried to do her own?
"John..."
He shook his head and smiled, knowing what she was thinking. He held her close again.
"It's all right, Helena."
"Is it really?"
"Yes. We've come a long way in the past few months, you and I."
"We still have a long way to go."
"Perhaps. We can only keep trying."
Helena nodded. Her eyes were soft and caring when she met John's gaze. He ran a gentle finger under her chin to touch her hair and smiled softly.
"Get some more rest, Helena. I'll see you tomorrow."
Then he bent closer and placed a loving kiss on her cheek. He stood and left, not looking back.
Helena watched him go, a soft smile on her face, in her eyes. She was beginning to feel, more strongly, something she had not for a long time. The desire - the need - to have someone else as a very important part of her life. It wouldn't be long now.
And suddenly the chill was gone, warmth returning to her. Alpha was home for as long as they needed it, and John would be there. The warm feeling spread as Helena settled down to sleep once more, her dreams filled - not with the coldness and terror of Ultima Thule as she might have expected, but with the warmth and tenderness of a man called John Koenig.
April 2, 1989
Ever since John had introduced her to the mysteries, the serenity of the Observation Room several months before, Helena Russell more and more found herself drawn there when she needed to be alone, needed to consider possibilities; to think things out. And it was there she stood, watching the planet Retha grow smaller in the distance.
Physicals over and initial findings reported, Helena had taken a bit of time to talk with Sandra in more detail concerning the events on Retha, concerning Sandra's impressions and beliefs about their primitive alternate selves on that planet. And it had given Helena much to think about, to consider and put into some kind of order in her own mind. She smiled slightly at the conclusion she'd reached. It had been evident all along, she had just been reluctant to see it - to admit it.
Feeling someone behind her, Helena glanced over her shoulder and smiled as John stepped up behind her, his hands going to her elbows, standing close.
"Thought I might find you here. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for me to have shown you this place."
Helena only smiled, and leaned back a bit, so she was barely touching John. She felt his hands tighten ever so slightly on her elbows, and she relaxed under their pressure. Together their eyes scanned the stars about them, the planet they were leaving behind.
"When I was little, I was unable to understand why I couldn't just reach up and hold the starlight in my hand as I might a stone from a stream, or a kitten or puppy. Then, when I was a little older, I had a hard time grasping the concept of starlight being... thousands, millions of years old by the time we saw it on Earth. Eventually I came to accept and understand it was so. We were - are - looking into the past when we watch the stars."
"Much as we were looking into - living - the past on Retha?"
"I suppose."
"When I left to come find you, Victor was almost interrogating Sandra about what she saw, what she remembers. He won't stop until at least some of his questions are answered."
"Then I'm glad I had a chance to talk with Sandra earlier, receive answers to my own questions."
"Questions about what?"
Helena turned to face John, her eyes seeking his, hands resting on his chest as his hands settled on her waist and hips.
"About... us, about our relationship on Retha."
"Were the answers what you wanted to hear?"
"Perhaps... I was standing here, thinking there must be some... vast plan for the universe and somewhere, perhaps as only a footnote, is the stipulation that we should be together as part of that universal constant.
"Sandra tells me on Retha, 40,000 years ago, we were together, that I was definitely your woman, hence the jealousy and resentment when you claimed Sandra for yourself... Even in some alternate reality we are together. When we met with ourselves on that duplicate Earth, and I realized how very much in love my other self was with the John Koenig of her world, how it hurt her so deeply to be away from him, separated by distance and death, it made me begin to see us differently."
John nodded, his hand coming up to gently brush against her hair, his eyes soft.
"It startled me a little, I think, when I saw the love,... the sadness, the loneliness, and the passion reflected in that other Helena's eyes, and realized it had been caused by the loss of someone she loved so very much -- that other John Koenig."
"Every time we encounter anything even slightly different, some alternate reality, we learn... we found each other and are - or were - together there. Yet back here, in what we call our present reality, we're still trying to figure out what is happening between us, what we want to happen."
John shook his head as he brought Helena's gaze up to meet his.
"No, Helena, I'm not trying to figure it out. I know what is happening between us -- what I want to happen."
Her gaze prompted him to go on, to say what he had wanted to for so very long but found he couldn't - until now.
"I am very much in love with you, Helena. I haven't said so, haven't pushed it because... I guess I sensed neither of us was ready for that yet, but I am sure of how I feel. I love you and I am in love with you."
Helena's face reflected calm acceptance as her gaze studied John's. Then she broke eye contact and eased into John's firm, loving embrace. It was something she had known for a long time. She sighed heavily as her arms went about John's waist, her head resting on his shoulder. A calm contentment settled over her, a feeling not quite like any she'd ever had before. Pulling back again she met John's gaze and smiled slightly.
"I've never been very good at this kind of thing, John."
"Helena, I don't want you to -- expect you to -- respond until you're ready. I won't push it."
"Maybe you should, John. I know what I feel, for you, about us, but... I can't... Damn!"
Helena turned away, angry with herself, but John reached out a calming hand and she turned back to face him. She sighed heavily.
"I've always had trouble telling others how I feel, putting it into words."
"It's all right, Helena. I know."
"I don't remember much about Retha except that we... I came very close to losing you. I don't want that to happen, John."
"You won't, Helena. You're going to be stuck with me for a long, long time."
Helena shook her head as she smiled.
"No, John, not stuck. I think I got the best of the best."
John returned the smile, then slowly, eyes locked with Helena's, he bent down to place a firm loving kiss on her mouth. He felt Helena respond and confirmed what he'd suspected all along; that she too shared his feelings, and had since the day she'd told him there was room in her heart for him.
The kiss ended and John held Helena close. She felt warm and good, happy, content and no longer sensed the need of barriers she'd erected about herself for so long. The vast plan was beginning to be complete. Helena pulled back to meet John's gaze, her own soft and gentle. She nodded once.
"I'm... not trying to figure it out anymore either, John. I do love you, and I am in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
And then she smiled, as did John.
"Maybe it gets easier with practice, John."
He laughed.
"Or maybe we are just finally giving in to what was pre-ordained for us?"
"I'm beginning to realize that - out here - nothing is beyond the realm of possibility."
"Even holding that starlight you wanted as a child?"
Helena watched as she became aware of soft, gentle light touching John. It seemed to bounce off his hair, giving the impression she was indeed holding that starlight in the form of John Koenig. Helena knew it was an illusion created by the backdrop of stars, suns, planets and moons, but it really didn't matter. She smiled, reaching up to lightly touch her mouth to John's.
"Even that."
John felt her embrace tighten a bit and they settled into one another's arms, eyes watching the starscape before them.
April 3, 1989
Helena watched John from where she sat beside him on the back of the couch. He considered a moment.
"... They have their war and we have all of space in which to find our home - somewhere."
He glanced over his shoulder and sadly smiled as he reached up to cup Helena's chin with his hand. She met his eyes, returning the sad smile as she placed her hand on his arm. Then slowly she stood, her hand clasping John's as she came around the end of the couch to sit beside him, their gazes still locked with each others'. After a moment or two, John sighed and pulled Helena into his embrace, resting his cheek on top of her head as she settled beside him.
"... I'm sorry."
Startled, Helena looked at him.
"For what?"
"Dione. I noticed the uneasiness you felt whenever she got too close, tried to... manipulate me and it seemed as though I let her."
"She was a beautiful woman, John. I'd have been concerned if you hadn't reacted to her advances in some way."
"Only to gain time for Alpha."
"I know, John, but... we've only just found each other. I'm still a little insecure, I guess."
He met her gaze, then bent his head to give her an ardent kiss. Helena drew in a deep breath when they parted, her eyes slightly wide with surprise, but accepting.
"I've only just gotten my hands on you, Helena, I'm not about to do anything to jeopardize that, what we've built... to hurt you."
"I know, John."
Feeling herself responding to John's kiss, to the closeness of their bodies, Helena smiled slightly, an amused twinkle coming to her eyes.
"Actually, John, if you think about it... you've only just begun to get your hands on me. We have a long way to go yet."
He smiled, seeing the invitation in Helena's eyes, the acceptance of what was to come next in their relationship. Again he pulled Helena to him in an ardent kiss and she responded eagerly. When they broke apart, her eyes were bright with passionate anticipation.
"Let's get out of here, Helena, find some place a little more private."
They stood together and were heading for the rear door of Koenig's office when the communications screen came to life and Victor's face appeared there.
"John..."
Koenig sighed as he met Helena's intense gaze. He activated the two way link on the screen.
"Yes, Victor?"
"We've been scanning the wreckage of Dione's gun ship. I think we may be able to salvage much of it for use here on Alpha. Could you take a look at the figures?"
John looked at Helena as she stood beside him, her eyes no longer quite as bright.
"Can it wait, Victor?"
"I think we should get started on salvage operations straight away, John."
"Very well, Victor. I'll be right there."
The link was cut and John turned to Helena.
"Helena..."
"It's all right, John. Alpha and our survival must come before anything else. I know that."
She gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek, then broke from his embrace and headed for the rear door. Before it opened, Helena turned back to look at John. Her gaze was soft and she gave him a tender smile that still held her earlier invitation -- for whenever John was ready to accept it.
John watched her go, feeling the excitement leave as well. The moment was past. Perhaps it was not yet time for them to take that next, very important step in their relationship, but he knew they could wait until circumstances were right, until nothing would interrupt their time together. And he too smiled. They would both know when that time came.
Turning, John headed for the isolation doors separating his office from the rest of Main Mission. He stood on the top step and took a look around. Things were already returning to smooth operations. He met Victor's anxious gaze, sensing it must be encouraging news.
"All right, let's see what you've got, Victor."
He, Alan and Bergman gathered about Paul's station as the reviewed the data. Once again, for a time, Alpha was almost back to normal. Perhaps, with luck, it would stay that way for more than a few days.
April 4, 1989
Salvage operations on the Bethan gun ship were nearly complete. It had taken several days to transport most of the wreckage back to Alpha, and sorting through it all had just begun, but John felt he could at least relax a bit concerning it. Victor was pouring over the technology -- what was left of it -- and Technical had full time crews working on how to adapt what was found in the wreckage for use on Alpha. It was out of his hands now, except to read the progress reports as they came in.
He stood and walked from behind his desk, crossing to one of the direct vision ports overlooking the lunar surface. Only a few days ago Alpha had been an unwilling participant in a war between opposing planets, and already some of the memories were fading, to become part of the Alphan record of events, but nothing to be dwelt on. They had so much else to do in order to survive. Dwelling on the past was a luxury few had time for. But every now and then, it would be nice to have a little time off, to spend with friends, to spend relaxing more fully... to spend with Helena.
Behind him, the door buzzer alerted him to someone wishing access to his office. He activated his commlock and smiled when Helena's image filled the screen. John opened the door for her, his smile growing as she entered and crossed to join him, the door closing behind her. Their gazes met.
"John."
"Helena."
She stood before him and glanced down at the report she carried in her hand.
"Medical Status Report concerning the damage sustained during the incident between planets Betha and Delta."
"Oh. That's not due for another three days, Helena."
"I... finished early."
She held it out to John as he reached for it, their fingers touching.
"Thank you. I like efficiency in my department heads. And the human side?"
"Everyone is doing well."
John nodded as he tossed the report on a nearby table. He would look at it later.
"Does that include you?"
Helena glanced at John quickly then smiled as he reached for her hands. Their fingers touched again, then intertwined.
"Yes. I could use a long vacation, but that may be difficult to arrange."
"Mmmhmm, two weeks on a warm, sandy beach, cool drinks nearby, no one but the two of us around for miles. Sounds wonderful, but just not possible."
"Not that particular fantasy, I'm afraid. Would you settle for me and a concert instead?"
"Hunh?"
"There is a concert in the rec room tonight. Several artists will be performing original compositions. Their theme is 'The Music of the Stars'. Would you like to attend?"
John smiled, one hand inching up to rest on Helena's hip, pulling her slightly closer to him.
"That would mean being seen out together - on a date - in public."
"So?"
"People may begin to talk -- all those curious eyes on us, you know."
Helena smiled and slipped her arm about John's neck before placing a kiss on his mouth.
"Let them."
"Time to go public, is that it, Doctor?"
"Why not? I certainly have nothing to hide and am not ashamed of my feelings for you. If they see us out together, maybe they'll be a little more hesitant to always be demanding something of you; give you a chance to be alone every now and then."
John smiled.
"Logical, efficient,... what other qualities do you possess, Doctor?"
Helena trailed a finger down the side of his neck. Her eyes were soft and inviting as she met John's gaze.
"Maybe we'll be able to explore that question in more depth after the concert, Commander."
"Hmnnm, what time does it start?"
"Seven thirty."
"I'll come by your quarters at seven fifteen."
"I'll be waiting, John."
She gave him a quick parting kiss, then retraced her steps. Before the door opened, Helena glanced back over her shoulder and smiled. It would be a lovely evening.
This was not the end to the evening either John or Helena anticipated.Dan Mateo's experiments had an adverse affect on him, and now seemed to be affecting Alpha in the same way. Temperature drops, Helena -- terrified by an Alphan who did not exist... Koenig had to find a way to explain and stop this.
John turned from the commpost to find Helena nervously checking a still sedated Dan Mateo. He'd asked for some time alone with Helena and, the official inquiries out of the way, he had a chance to turn to the more personal side.
"Helena."
She looked up at him, then gladly went into his outstretched arms. Both felt her calm immediately as his arms tightened about her and John placed a tender kiss on the side of her head. Helena sighed.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes, I... I think so, John, just..."
"There will be someone here with you all the time until we have this figured out. That should stop any future incidents."
Helena only nodded against John's chest, savoring the warmth and protection she knew in his embrace. She felt him kiss her again, then looked up to meet his gaze.
"Not exactly the way I wanted our evening to end, John."
"I know. I was hoping for something a little more romantic and private as well."
Before either could respond further, John's commlock bleeped, demanding his attention. He sighed and answered it.
"Koenig."
"Commander, we have more on the recorded temperature drops."
"I'll be right there, Paul, thank you."
He returned the devise to his belt and looked sadly at Helena.
"Call me."
"I will, John."
He kissed her gently then released her. Helena watched him go, turning her mind to other things as Doctor Mathias and the Security team returned to the Care Unit. They had patients to look after and, hopefully, Dan Mateo would be able to provide some answers to their questions in the morning.
April 4, 1989
They could hear the other Alphans suffering. Their screams of pain echoed through the large room and John could take no more. Gwent had won - this round.
"Alpha! Cease fire!... Recall all Eagles..."
The base responded to John's orders. As silence began to settle over them, John glanced at Helena and Victor, then moved off to be by himself.
"All right, Gwent, what do you want from us?"
"It will be a simple trade, Commander. Professor Bergman will be allowed to leave in exchange for the supplies. However, you and Doctor Russell shall remain here and be my companions for so long as you both shall live."
John's head came up suddenly and he scanned the vast reaches of the spacecraft, hopelessly searching for a glimpse of what the being really looked like. He made it sound as if this 'arrangement' were similar to a marriage contract. It was anything but. For a fleeting moment, Koenig wondered where Gwent had run across that particular phrase: 'for so long as you both shall live'. It lasted only a moment, then his mind moved on to more important matters.
Helena, standing near Victor, felt his hand on her shoulder. She was trying to control her emotions as she heard John order up the supplies. She turned to look at Victor, and they took comfort from one another, then both sets of eyes turned toward John Koenig. Helena straightened, gave Victor's hand a gentle pat, and moved across the deck to stand behind Koenig.
"John,..."
He turned toward her, his face a mixture of anger, defeat, acceptance and determination. Their gazes met and John placed his hands on her shoulders, his gaze growing softer as he studied her. They spoke in whispers so Gwent wouldn't overhear.
"John, are you all right?"
He nodded and took a step closer.
"You?"
"I'm startled, surprised, frightened and very angry. John, as bad as Alpha sometimes is..."
"The thought of spending the rest of my days almost alone with you is a very inviting, pleasant one, but not under these conditions, not under his terms. Humans can't be expected to live like that. I'm grateful to him for saving Victor, but one way or another, you won't be staying here. None of us will."
"John,..."
"I can't tell you any more just now, Helena."
She nodded her acceptance of that and John smiled sadly as their gazes met again, his fingers brushing against the bottom of Helena's hair. The thought of being with her the rest of his days was not new to him, was very compelling, but it would have to be on their terms, their conditions, with no interference from an outside third party -- from Gwent.
John studied Helena's face for a moment. They'd only just found one another, and while both knew their futures were anchored with each other, John also knew that neither of them was quite ready to make a long term commitment such as Gwent was demanding just yet. Marriage, or some similar arrangement could well be in their future, but only when he and Helena were sure about it and ready to make the choice, the decision, on their own. He was not about to have it forced upon them by some over emotional, half crazed demanding hunk of machinery.
Helena returned John's sad smile and took his hand, squeezing it gently. Together they crossed the floor to join Victor. The supply Eagle would be arriving soon and they needed to stick together in this - to whatever end it might bring.
Helena silently entered the Observation Room, her gaze immediately going to the lone figure of John Koenig as he stood near the clear, curved surface of the doomed room. She smiled sadly and crossed to join him, stopping just behind him. Gently she reached out to encircle John's waist with her arms and briefly rested her head against his back. Helena felt him smile as his hands came up to cover her own.
"All right?"
"Yes, just... thinking."
Helena moved to stand beside him, her gaze following John's to the approximate spot on the lunar surface where Gwent had found his death.
"I wish there had been some way for Gwent to continue, Helena. The knowledge and information in his - its - memory banks must have been vast. To see it wasted..."
"It was... Gwent's way of escape, John, just as you and I come here to get away from things for awhile. Gwent realized - that without Companion - he was... incomplete. Replacing Companion might, for a time, allow him to believe nothing had changed, but ultimately Gwent knew Companion was more a part of him - and he a part of Companion - than he was prepared to admit. He realized that eventually the grief and loneliness would be more than he could bear."
"So, in his grief - and anger - over Companion's death, Gwent tried to control our lives as he had with Companion's all these years. Except,... Companion accepted and welcomed that control whereas we... would not, could not."
"Yes."
"You seem to understand it, Helena."
"It's basic psychology, John. The one thing I don't understand is how Gwent knew about us, about you and I, and..."
"His not wanting to deprive me of my companion?"
She nodded, her gaze meeting John's. Gwent's statement had taken them both by surprise.
"I could have been pure chance, but... Gwent was in communication with our computer. There's no telling what information he may have gathered from it."
Again Helena nodded. She was pleased it had turned out in their favor, despite the lost information Gwent might have provided, but she would always wonder if life as Gwent's companions for John and herself would have been as unpleasant as they'd first imagined. Slowly she smiled.
John turned from the moonscape before him, his hands on Helena's arms. Her odd smile puzzled him for a moment, until she turned that smile toward him, her eyes soft and loving. It was time to change the subject.
"I gave Victor a thorough examination to be certain there were no after effects. He's fine, perfectly healthy."
"Good. And Paul Morrow?"
"Restless, but recovering nicely, mad at himself for slipping on the residue from that space brain. Sandra has been in to see him several times, to keep his mind on other matters. That helps."
John nodded. He still felt regret at the death - or at the very least the severe injury of that space brain, but there had been nothing they could do to prevent it. His saddened eyes reflected that regret. Helena shared it.
"John, I've been thinking, remembering a bit. Although my memory is vague, I do recall certain things that may help to put everything into some kind of order. Perhaps all those worlds, the beings who depended on that brain have some hope after all."
"What do you mean, Helena?"
"When we were given a glimpse of what might have happened had we gone down to that planet - the one we thought launched Hawks against us to start a war..."
"Yes, go on."
"They tried to explain how their world worked to me. And they said the physical world I saw around me was part of a brain - one that wouldn't die. The beings of that planet - and others - were... tenants of the brains, and fed the brains with life... Perhaps one of the other brains was able to... absorb the beings who depended on the one we encountered. Perhaps they still live after all."
"It's a nice thought, Helena."
"But one that is not very realistic."
Koenig shook his head as he put his arms around Helena, moving closer to her.
"Who are we to say? We've only just begun to understand - to touch on - the complexities of our universe."
"In other words, anything is possible?"
"Yes. The only thing that might make it seem impossible is our inability to fully understand it -yet. But everyday we get just that much closer to comprehending and understanding. We still have so much to learn. We are as far away from knowing everything as our cave ancestors were away from understanding nuclear technology."
"We have all of eternity in which to learn, John."
Their gazes met and John smiled, nodding once. His embrace of Helena tightened slightly.
"There is one thing I do know, I have learned... Gwent was very right about you and I, Helena."
"Yes, he was."
Their gazes locked for a moment, then Helena lowered her head to John's shoulder, her arms about his waist. That was knowledge which had not been lost with Gwent's death. And it was knowledge that would not be wasted or ignored so long as they had a future between them.
April 30, 1983
Revised: April 5, 1989
The Eagle touched down gently on Pad Three. When all system checks were cleared, the crew silently filed out. John was the last to leave, and as he entered the passenger section of the ship, he found Helena sitting quietly in the back corner seat, blanket still wrapped around her.
Glancing down at his hands, John sighed then crossed to sit in the chair only recently occupied by Victor Bergman. He put his hand on her shoulder.
"Helena?"
She blinked and looked at him, then sighed sadly.
"John..."
"We're back on Alpha."
"I know."
He returned her sad smile, then covered her hand with his.
"Come on, I think Bob should take a look at you, to be sure there are no adverse affects from whatever you were given."
"I'm all right, John."
"Just to be sure... for me?"
Beginning to realize she would rarely be able to refuse this man anything, Helena nodded, then stood slowly. She allowed John to lead her from the Eagle, the echo of Lowry's humming still in her ears.
Reluctant to leave Helena just yet, John remained in Medical Center while Bob Mathias carefully checked her over. Dressed in a fresh uniform with a newly programmed commlock on her belt, Helena smiled at John as Mathias announced his findings.
"You're fine, Helena. No adverse affects that we can detect."
"That's good to know, Bob, thank you."
Mathias smiled, then glanced at Koenig, realizing Helena had been more upset by her experience that she was willing to admit. Koenig returned his glance, grateful for the doctor's next words.
"Try to get some rest, Helena."
She nodded, then turned and left the Medical Center, John beside her. When they reached her quarters and were behind the closed door, Helena turned to face John. His arms went about her, gaze meeting her sad eyes.
"Will you be all right?"
"Sure."
"I can stay for a bit if you like."
Helena sadly smiled and leaned against John, then shook her head.
"Thank you, but I'm just going to get some rest, as Bob recommended."
He pulled back to meet her gaze, hands coming up to rest on her shoulder, and nodded.
"Call me if you need anything."
"I will."
He gave her a gentle kiss and left, hesitating a moment before the door closed. John didn't like leaving her alone just then, but it was what she wanted. He wouldn't argue.
Hours later, Helena woke with a start, Bill Lowry's cry for help echoing in her mind, left over from her dreams. She took a deep breath to calm herself, then got out of bed, reaching for her commlock. She left her quarters.
Slowly John Koenig became aware of someone standing over him, of someone watching him. Since assuming command of Alpha less than ten months before, he'd taken to leaving one dim light on as he slept, never knowing when he would be awakened from a sound sleep by an emergency and need that light to keep from running into furniture in his haste to reach Main Mission. Now, as he cracked his eyes open and glanced over his shoulder, that dim light revealed it was not an alien intruder who stood over him.
He rolled over then sat, somewhat surprised to see Helena Russell, clad only in pajamas, standing there.
"Helena, how..."
She seemed distracted but answered softly.
"I used Medical over ride... John, I..."
She shook her head as he reached out toward her.
"What is it?"
"I keep seeing... hearing Lowry as they... and I couldn't help him. He kept calling to me, but... I couldn't get away... I couldn't help..."
"Helena, it wasn't your fault... How can I help?"
"Hold me..."
He nodded, but before he could get out of bed, Helena was sitting beside him, then stretched out next to him, allowing John to gather her into his arms. He kissed her gently and just held her, feeling Helena relax and calm a bit.
When he met her gaze, John found it strangely quiet. There was no amusement, no laughter in her eyes, but rather a vulnerability to the woman John, until that moment, had never really seen before. Just calm, quiet acceptance, and the willingness to let John totally control what was to happen the rest of the night.
Briefly he thought about what could happen that night, then pushed it away. No, their first time together would not happen like that, because Helena was allowing him to see how vulnerable she was right then. He didn't want it to be that way. In her eyes he could see she would not refuse, would not resist, but he hoped his gaze reflected that he would not take advantage of her that way. She needed his strength, his love, his comfort that night, nothing else.
He met her gaze again, then gently kissed her on the mouth. He settled down beside Helena, content to just hold her safe the rest of the night.
John woke the next morning to find Helena still asleep, head on his shoulder, curled into his arms. Slowly he reached for his commlock to check the time. He was going to be late, so he put through a call to Paul Morrow.
"Main Mission."
"Paul, I'm afraid I overslept and am running a little behind. I'll be in as soon as I can."
"Very good, sir."
Morrow signed off as John glanced at Helena, then slipped from the bed to shower and change, his attention briefly caught by Helena's commlock on the other side of the bed where she'd placed it the night before.
A second call followed closely on the heels of Koenig's call. This time it was Bob Mathias, obvious worry creasing his brow.
"Paul, could you run a computer location check on Doctor Russell? She's not answering calls to her quarters, nor on her commlock. That isn't like her."
Morrow frowned. No, it wasn't like her, and considering the events of the previous day; the way she'd reacted to events on the Darian spaceship and how badly she had taken Lowry's death, he nodded.
"Just a moment, Doctor."
Paul punched in the proper code to run the check. He waited for the results, not completely surprised by what computer told him. No wonder Koenig was going to be late for duty. He smiled slightly and glanced back to Mathias.
"Not to worry, Bob, she is not in danger."
"How can you be so certain?"
Morrow hesitated. The news would be out on the base grapevine before long anyway. Still, it was none of their business. He phrased his answer carefully.
"She's with Commander Koenig, Bob."
Mathias blinked as his suspicions about the two seemed to be confirmed. He too smiled slightly and nodded.
"Understood, Paul. Thank you."
The link was cut and as Morrow looked up, he saw several Main Mission regulars smiling to themselves. The base would be buzzing with rumors about Commander Koenig and Doctor Russell before he got off shift. He smiled to himself, then he saw Victor Bergman off to the side, his eyes shining and his smile happy. It was good for John and Helena to take time out for themselves. Both needed - and deserved it.
Helena opened her eyes to find John sitting beside her. He was already dressed and smiled when she looked at him.
"Good morning."
"John..."
Helena sat slowly, raking her fingers through her hair. She glanced at John as he held a steaming cup of something out to her and smiled at her silent question.
"Tea. Victor left some behind the last time he was here. Hope you like it."
She sipped the hot liquid and nodded, then glanced over his shoulder toward the clock on the commpost.
"What time is it?"
"Almost nine."
"I'm late for duty."
"So am I."
"I'd better call Bob and let him know."
"... I think he already does, Helena. Moments after I notified Morrow I was going to be late, I noticed a computer trace being run on you through your commlock. We're probably going to the subject of much rumor and gossip today."
Helena sighed, then met his gaze.
"I suppose we are. It was inevitable."
"Yes, I suppose it was. Here, you'd better borrow this. Can't have you wandering the halls in just your P.J.'s. Then people would think they really had something to talk about."
Helena smiled as John handed a spare bathrobe to her, then finished her tea before climbing out of bed and putting it on.
As she knotted the belt around her waist and picked up her commlock, Helena turned to find John cleaning her tea cup. She smiled again and crossed the room to stand behind him, her hand resting on his arm. He turned to face her and Helena reached up to give him a gentle, loving kiss. She smiled at his puzzled expression.
"Thank you for not... pushing last night, John... I couldn't have refused."
"I know, and I couldn't ask. I didn't want our first time to be like that."
Helena nodded, gave John another quick kiss, then left his quarters. He watched, smiling to himself. He didn't mind that rumors were probably already flying about himself and Helena. Maybe, with luck, they would soon be able to make those rumors a bit more true.
Finishing his chore, John turned off the lights and left his quarters, ready to face whatever the day brought. Later he would call Helena and see if she were free to have dinner with him that evening. They could compare rumors.
April 5, 1989
Helena glanced up at John Koenig as he perched on the edge of her desk, quickly reading over her account of what had happened when Tony Cellini had met his green monster - his dragon - in the far reaches of space. It was an event which had occurred months before, but one she was only now able to put into words, into any kind of sensible order. Some things about it they would never understand.
"Saint George and the Dragon sounds pretty flat, until you know the story."
"I think Tony would be very happy knowing he put new life into an old myth..."
Helena met his gaze as John placed the final page on top of the others. She covered his hand, knowing he missed his friend very much. He gave her a sad smile, then bent over to kiss her cheek. When he straightened, their gazes met again.
"Did I ever tell you Tony was happy about us?"
"About us? But John..."
"I know, he died before we admitted anything was happening between us. But he said he could see it coming, and told me I was crazy if I didn't try very hard to 'win the lady's favor', was the way he phrased it."
"I didn't think Tony like me well enough to approve of me for one of his best friends."
"You may have had your professional differences, Helena, but Tony wouldn't have allowed that to cloud his personal, private judgment."
She was silent, nodding her understanding. She'd never really gotten a chance to know Tony Cellini on anything but a professional basis. John looked back at the papers on her desk and tapped the pile lightly with his index finger.
"You know, this is a good idea, Helena. We should do it as a matter of course, so we have something more to go on than the cold, objective recordings of Computer."
"Are you trying to tell me the job is mine?"
"You do it very well."
"Thanks... I think."
John smiled, then stood as he glanced at the clock. He had a meeting in ten minutes.
"We can talk about it later. Have dinner with me tonight?"
Helena shook her head.
"I'm on duty until late."
"Tomorrow then?"
Helena smiled and nodded. She tilted her head up to accept John's kiss, then he was gone. Sighing, she gathered her papers and cleared off her desk so it wouldn't be facing her when she got off duty later.
John was just as glad Helena had been unable to join him for dinner that evening, as it gave him time to work on something special for the following night. His solution, while certainly not original or unique, was something rarely done on Alpha. He'd told Helena he would come by at nineteen thirty hours, and when he appeared at her door, Helena was indeed surprised.
"John?"
He entered her quarters, basket in one hand, blanket in the other. Her curious smile delighted him.
"I thought we'd go on a picnic."
"Where?"
"Right here. Help me spread this out."
Together they unfolded the blanket and spread it on the floor of her quarters. Helena eased down beside John as he began to unpack the basket. She couldn't stop smiling.
"Where did you find all this?"
"Oh, here and there."
John busied himself with getting things ready. As a final touch he aimed his commlock at the room master controls. The lights changed to simulate the late afternoon sun, and the sounds of birds and other wildlife filled the air. Helena laughed openly.
"John! This is wonderful!"
"You like it?"
"Yes! Of course. How..."
"My secret. Sorry I couldn't provide any bugs..."
"That's quite all right, John. What's on the menu?"
Pleased Helena was so willing to play along in the spirit of the game, John began to list off what he'd brought along for their picnic supper, including some vintage wine Victor had generously donated from his well guarded and protected 'wine cellar'. With all they had both been through recently, John was delighted to see Helena so relaxed. He'd been forced to beg several favors to arrange this picnic properly, but seeing Helena's smile, hearing her laugh mingle with the sounds of nature made it all worthwhile.
The late afternoon sunshine had given way to dusk and now to twilight as Helena sat beside John on the blanket, her head resting on his shoulder, his arm about her waist. They sipped the last of the wine, then Helena changed position, stretching out on her back. John leaned over her, their gazes locked as she reached up to trace the outline of his ear, then entangle her fingers in his hair.
"Do you realize, Commander, that I have fallen very deeply in love with you?"
In answer, John bent down and kissed Helena passionately. He felt her respond, pulling him closer as her fingers left his hair, her hands rubbing his back slowly.
When their gazes met again, Helena smiled, her eyes inviting.
"You have indeed won the lady's favor."
She simply smiled softly to the question in John's eyes. Their lips met as he slowly unfastened her uniform belt while she reached up to undo the zipper on his sleeve, her fingers sending tingling sensations all through John's body. There was no doubt in his mind of what was to follow. They were both ready, and as John met Helena's gaze once again, he was more certain than ever of his love for Helena Russell.
She wasn't quite sure when they had moved from the floor to her bed, but as Helena stretched and smiled at the feeling of John beside her, she opened her eyes. He was watching her, a contented half smile on his face. In response Helena kissed him and snuggled further into his arms. It had taken them nearly a year to reach this point in their relationship, but it had been worth all they'd been through, all they'd endured. The comfort and serenity she'd come to associate with her time spent in John's company was even more firmly established now. No matter what lay ahead of them in the vast reaches of space, Helena knew she would be happy and content, so long as she and John were together. His embrace of Helena tightened. Their future had just begun.
April 5, 1989
He paced nervously, anxiously awaiting Survey Eagle Two's touch down. So much had occurred in the last few hours -- less than forty eight, actually, and he'd not really had a chance to absorb it all. Many would call Luke Ferro’s and Anna Davis' actions mutiny, the sentencing to death all of Alpha for their own desires, beliefs and motivations. Now it really didn't matter. The moon was on the move again, the power restored, and the supplies they'd taken were no longer vital to Alpha's survival. Luke and Anna would be missed initially, but the base would adjust to their absence and absorb their work loads. Koenig could accept their belief that living on Arkadia, bringing life back to that dormant world was their destiny. What he could not fully accept was that Ferro and Davis had used Helena, forcing him to submit, and had threatened to kill her if he didn't give them what they wanted. That bothered him deeply. John didn't know if it was because now the entire base knew - positively - just how important Helena Russell was to him, or if it was because it revealed a weakness in him; his inability to endanger, to risk even one human life to what seemed to be an insanity. It was something that would take time for him to resolve.
John turned as the Eagle hatch opened and he breathed more easily when he saw Helena standing beside Alan Carter, apparently unharmed. She smiled when her gaze settled on him, then hurried to him. John took her hands, squeezed them gently, then settled his hands on her arms just above the elbows. Alan was standing next to them watching the silent exchange, a knowing grin coming to his face. Nope, the rumors about those two were not exaggerated.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine, John."
"Yeah, we're fine."
John's and Helena's gazes met and Alan realized this would be a good time to be elsewhere, so he quietly excused himself, noting that John and Helena didn't notice his leaving. Carter smiled to himself. Why should they? They had more important things on their minds -- each other.
John studied Helena's eyes, finding a trace of left over fear there, as well as relief to be home.
"Sure you're okay?"
"I'm sure, John."
He smiled and tightened his grip on her arms momentarily. He moved his hands to her shoulders, Helena returned the smile, then lowered her gaze, her voice soft.
"They're all alone down there, John."
"I know, and there's nothing we can do about it. But it was their choice, Helena."
She nodded slowly, then met John's gaze.
"Was it their choice?"
John locked his gaze with Helena's for a long moment, then looked down, shaking his head.
"That's something we may never be certain of, Helena."
She nodded her agreement, then leaned against John as he embraced her tightly, kissing her head while he held her. When they broke apart, they walked silently out of the Eagle area, relieved nothing more had been lost than a few supplies and an Eagle.
When they reached Helena's quarters and were settled on the couch, Helena looked up into John's eyes, knowing he had risked much to get her back from Luke and Anna, perhaps angered many for allowing his feelings for her to influence his decision.
"John..."
"Hmmm?"
"Why?"
He realized what she was asking and he pulled her into his arms, meeting her gaze with his own.
"It was the easiest way I could see to let Luke and Anna think they were getting what they wanted, while endangering you the least. I'd fully intended to get those supplies -- most of them -- back, but with the power returned and Alpha on the move again it no longer matters. I hope they are able to make it work on Arkadia, Helena."
"They seemed certain they would."
"That's the first big step, to really believe in what you are undertaking."
"Neither Luke or Anna said anything, but I got the feeling they were... driven, possessed almost by the need to live on Arkadia; as if they were certain they wouldn't be alone there, they would have help somehow."
"Perhaps they will. The spirits of those long dead Arkadians must still be there -- somewhere. Perhaps Luke and Anna knew something -- sensed something none of us did."
"Perhaps... Anyway, thank you, John."
She reached over to kiss him lovingly and John shook his head, taking Helena's hand in his.
"I... had no other choice, Helena. When I saw Luke grab you, knowing he would use you against me to get what they wanted, my only thought was of keeping you safe, of getting you away from them before they could hurt you."
"Isn't that part of what being in love is all about?"
"Maybe, but it's more than being in love with you, Helena. I need you -- in my life, as part of my life, and the prospect of losing you... clouded my judgment. It shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it."
Helena held John closely.
"We're both new at this, John. Neither one of us has ever had to deal with a situation quite like this before, in which personal and professional lives are so intricately linked and intertwined. It will get easier with time."
John met her gaze.
"Will it?"
Helena couldn't answer that, wanting to say yes but knowing in her heart that it probably would not. Instead she moved further into John's protective embrace, content to remain there for a time while Alpha returned to full operations.
Eighteen days later, Koenig closed the notebook and placed the pen on top of it. He'd taken a try at writing up the events of the past - the Arkadia story. He would show it to Helena later, see what she thought.
Arkadia had only been the beginning of events in the past two and a half weeks on Alpha. Luke and Anna were the first Alphan colony to begin life on a new world. Three days earlier they bid farewell and wished much luck to a second colony, lead by Paul Morrow and Victor Bergman.
Two weeks out from Arkadia they found another small solar system, with a planet - not much larger than the moon - able to support human life. It was not large enough to support all of the Alphans, but a small colony had a good chance. Thirty Alphans were chosen by computer -- fifteen men, fifteen women -- to establish that colony. Random chance had deprived John of men and women he had relied upon heavily during the past months in space: Victor Bergman, Paul Morrow, David Kano, Tanya Alexander. But his hopes for them to thrive and grow on their new world outweighed his sadness at leaving them behind. Others would come in to fill their jobs. Those members of Colony Two had left one struggle for another while those remaining on Alpha continued the original struggle. At least Helena was still with him. That made it easier for John to leave those friends on a new world.
To give the settlers of Colony Two as much help as possible, most of Main Mission was dismantled to provide equipment planetside. Many factors had contributed to this decision, including the realization that Main Mission was not safe. It was too vulnerable to above surface attack. All factors came together to make the move seem right. In four days Main Mission would be completely shut down, and base operations moved to the smaller Command Center, below ground. It meant relying more heavily on cameras and scanners to see what was happening, but when that was weighed against the safety of the base and Command Center personnel, the choice was obvious.
Sighing, John stood and stepped from behind his desk, wandering over toward the direct vision ports. He would miss the moonscape outside his office, but there was always the Observation Room. He smiled. He was to meet Helena there in just a few minutes and didn't want to be late. He took a glance about his office, the final packing prior to the move to Command Center being put off just a little bit longer.
Alpha was experiencing a time of many choices and changes, but the choice for him had been made long ago, when he accepted Command of Alpha, when he survived Breakaway. His future was Alpha's future, and with the woman he'd chosen to spend the rest of his life with, the woman who was waiting for him in the Observation Room. He didn't want to be late.
December 28, 1982
Revised: April 6, 1989
Helena woke slowly and stretched, then glanced at the clock. She still had over an hour before she was to be on duty. Turning her head, she sighed lightly when she saw John was not there, and vaguely recalled his having mumbled something about an early morning meeting with Tony Verdeschi, who was promoted out of the Security Office and into Command Center when Paul Morrow left to join Colony Two less than a month ago. John said Verdeschi was adjusting to his new position well, and had already made friends with several of the Command Center regulars. Something about a running joke between Verdeschi and Alan Carter concerning pilots and the beer Tony was trying to brew.
Again Helena stretched and got out of bed, heading for the shower. On her way past she glanced at the calendar on her desk. 324 days since leaving Earth orbit. A lot had happened in ten and a half months. It was not exactly the life she'd envisioned when transferring to Alpha nearly two years ago, but it was a life she would not willingly trade. Some very good things had taken place in her life since coming to Alpha - especially concerning her involvement with John Koenig. Helena smiled with thoughts of John and stepped into the shower. Maybe he would be free for lunch.
Koenig nodded as he sat at his desk in Command Center. It had taken a bit of getting used to -- the smaller, more compact quarters of Command Center, and the fact he no longer had the privacy of an office directly attached to the center, but he really didn't mind. Establishing Colony Two had been worth the sacrifices they'd all made on Alpha. And John hoped the Alphans of Colony Two were doing well. He had no way to find out; had only Arra's prophecy to go by.
Placing the report he'd just been handed in a pile on the corner of his desk, to be looked at later, John punched up the personnel files and selected the one he wanted. He checked a few things, did some quick calculating, then blanked the screen and sat back. So, his memory was correct. He'd have to see what could be done on such short notice. He should have checked on it earlier.
Helena entered her quarters the following evening to find the lights low, soft music playing, and a rose sitting in a vase on her desk. She smiled and looked around the room for the one person who could be responsible.
John was leaning against the bathroom door frame so he could get a good look at her reaction, a soft smile touching the corners of his mouth when their gazes met.
"John?"
He straightened up, crossed the room to join Helena, and took her hands, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.
"I was doing a bit of research not long ago and realized today is very special one for you."
She looked at him, puzzled for a moment, then smiled lovingly as she too realized what day it was -- by the old calendar.
"Happy Birthday, Helena."
She kissed him gently, their gazes meeting.
"Thank you."
At that moment the door buzzer sounded and Helena turned to go answer it, but John shook his head. He took a few steps across the room to reach the door, opened it and bent down to pick up the food try sitting on the floor in the hall outside. He stood and turned back to Helena as the door closed behind him.
"Dinner."
Helena just shook her head and smiled. She wasn't going to ask how he'd arranged all this because she knew John wouldn't tell her. It didn't matter. The fact he'd done it was enough.
An hour later, with dinner finished, John and Helena sat curled up together on the couch, coffee cups in hand.
"Helena..."
"Hmmm?"
"I... have to admit I just realized today was your birthday yesterday. I'm afraid I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"But you did, John. This evening. I'd forgotten all about today until I walked in here tonight. I couldn't ask for -- or want -- anything more."
Their gazes met for a long moment then Helena began to chuckle. John looked at her curiously.
"Helena?"
"I just realized I turned forty years old today, John. Under normal conditions, for many people, that is a difficult milestone in their lives. I haven't given it any thought at all."
John smiled and reached up to rub his fingers along her neck, touch her soft hair.
"See, there are advantages to living under less than... normal conditions. Does it bother you now?"
Helena smiled as their gazes met again, then she kissed John's hand, holding it gently and shaking her head.
"No. I'm just getting started."
He returned her smile and leaned close to kiss her.
"Good. Let's make this a birthday to remember."
"It already is, John. It already is."
April 6, 1989
Helena glanced at the clock as she headed for her quarters. According to that, it was early in the Alphan afternoon, but she felt as if it were the middle of the night. A long shower and a change of uniform would help her to face the rest of the day until she could claim some much needed sleep that night.
Their return to Alpha had been met with relieved friends and co-workers, and curiosity about Maya, the newest Alphan. Initially there would be resentment of her, bad feeling because they had lost Picard and Torrens on Psychon, but Helena hoped that would pass with time, and as Maya found her place on Alpha.
Picard and Torrens... Memorial services were to be held the following evening at 2100 hours. Maya asked if she might attend. Perhaps it was her way of showing she too regretted their deaths, and hoped to, somehow, help the pain of their passing lessen a little bit. Or perhaps it was Maya's way of noting the death of her father while at the same time observing the customs and traditions of her newly adopted culture. All Helena knew was that she and John would be accompanying Maya to the Memorial services the next evening.
Quick physicals confirmed none had been harmed by their experiences on Psychon, and that Maya was basically compatible with humans. It would make her settling in much easier. Once cleared by Medical, Helena had shown Maya to her new quarters, instructed her in the basics she needed to know in order to get around on Alpha, then left her alone. They were to meet later to have dinner, but for now, Maya could use some time by herself - to begin the adjustment process, to begin the grief process. And Helena needed time to get cleaned up.
There was so much they needed to learn; Maya about the Alphans, the Alphans about Maya. Helena was concerned from a medical viewpoint, hoping Maya would be able to give her some indications of what was normal for a Psychon so she would have a starting place to determine what was not normal. So much to learn... But that would come in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
Helena entered her quarters, removed her filthy uniform and tossed it on the laundry pile, hoping it would eventually come clean. She pulled a fresh uniform from her closet then stepped into the bathroom. The warm water served to wash more than dirt and grime away as Helena began to feel herself relax. When she finally turned off the spray and toweled herself dry, she felt refreshed and able to face the duties still to be confronted that day.
Leaving the bathroom as she fastened the belt around her waist then adjusted the new turtleneck collar, Helena glanced up when she realized she was no longer alone in her quarters. She smiled upon seeing John - also cleaned up and in a fresh uniform, sitting on the couch. He stood at her approach and met her half way, returning her smile.
"John?"
"I buzzed but there was no answer, so I... let myself in - Command Override."
"It would be easier if we just gave each other our security codes."
"Yes, it would... Sort of like exchanging class rings or going steady."
"Mmmm, more serious than that."
He kissed her gently then took her hands as they walked to the couch and sat.
"Maya all settled in?"
"Yes. She learns very quickly, she shouldn't have any trouble with the technical, mechanical and hardware aspects of life here. Dealing with human idiosyncrasies and our sometimes confusing culture may be a different story, however. I promised we would take her to dinner with us later on. Hope you don't mind."
"No... Maybe afterward we could give her a complete tour of the base."
"I kind of got the feeling both Tony and Alan were going to ask her if they might show her around."
"Those two don't waste any time, do they? Any bets on who she'll pick?"
"You're as bad as they are, John!"
"Naw, just an interested spectator. If I wanted to be a participant..."
"You would be in very serious trouble! But to answer your question, no, I'm not making any bets on who she'll choose. Give the poor girl a chance to get settled in before we start trying to fix her up!"
John simply smiled then leaned close to give Helena a gentle kiss. His eyes were bright.
"Yes, Doctor."
Helena shook her head, chuckling, and returned his kiss. Their eyes and fingers met as Helena grew serious.
"John, I'm... I'm sorry I didn't believe in you, have faith in you..."
John shook his head as he placed his fingers over her mouth to still her apology. There was no need for one.
"Helena, you had no way of knowing what I had planned, what I hoped would happen. I couldn't tell you, couldn't risk sharing it with you, even though I wanted to."
"I should have known by now you would never put your own survival ahead of Alpha's. I should be able to trust you without need of explanations or motives."
"You told me not so very long ago that we're both new at this kind of a relationship, one in which personal and professional are so intricately intertwined. Trust must be built, earned, Helena. Considering we'd not even met a year ago, I think we're doing quite well."
Helena was going to protest, to wonder how she could be so in love with John and still not trust him, but when she met John's gaze, she knew she need not say it, because she did trust him, and love him - so very much. John saw that in her eyes and held her close.
When they parted, John looked at his lady -- his lady. It was the first time he'd ever really thought of Helena that way. He smiled. It felt good and right, knowing instinctively it would not diminish in any way the individual, independent woman she was.
"I came by to ask you about dinner, but I guess that's been taken care of. Now, I should get back to the Command Center."
"And I to Medical. We have a Life Support system to repair."
She stood and started for the door, but John hesitated a moment, watching and smiling as she walked away from him. Helena turned when she reached the door.
"John, are you coming?"
He stood and joined her, taking her in his arms before she could activate the locking mechanism.
"You know, I'm glad we modified the uniforms. I like you in skirts."
Helena eyes lit up with a pleased twinkle. She said nothing but smiled openly. She'd have to remember that.
Together they left her quarters, bringing smiles to the faces of the Alphans who passed them in the halls.
April 17, 1989
Not quite a year ago, John Koenig first brought her to the Observation Room. In the time since then it had become a special place for the two of them, a place to escape the daily demands of life on Alpha, a place to lose themselves in the stars and each other.
But it had been exactly one year ago to the day - by lunar time - the moon was blasted from Earth orbit. Three hundred and sixty five days. Three hundred and sixty six, considering this was a leap year. The date, by conventional calendars, was September 13, 2000 AD. So much had happened in that year. Friends gone - either to death or to forge a new life for themselves on other planets. It was a time of reflection, of contemplation, and of hope.
Against all odds they survived in deep space - a place they had no business being but a place they would remain until they too could find a planet to colonize, a new world to claim as their own, to begin again.
Feeling gentle arms come about her waist, Helena smiled as she leaned against John, his kiss behind her ear moving down her neck, then up to her cheek. Together they studied the stars. In the far distance they could still see the nebular remains of planet Psychon.
"Somehow I always know where to find you when no one else has any idea."
"Every time I come here I better understand what you meant about this room, John. There is a peacefulness I've not found anywhere else on Alpha,... a serenity."
"Enhanced by you."
She turned to smile at John, give him a tender kiss, then settle into his embrace, head resting on his shoulder and chest, eyes on the stars about them. He held her just a bit more closely.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes,... just thinking, remembering."
"You'll be at the ceremony, won't you?"
Helena raised her head to meet John's gaze. The base was planning a commemorative ceremony to mark their one year anniversary in space. A monument would be erected to the memories of all those Alphans who were no longer with them, and a new park, built in one of the catacombs, opened around the monument. John was to say a few words of dedication and remembrance. He was a little nervous about it. She nodded.
"Right beside you."
He smiled. There was no way either could know what lay ahead of them, but as long as they were together, John was certain he could cope and deal with it.
"Come on, they'll be waiting."
Helena nodded and slipped her arm about John's waist as they left the Observation Room. Their future was together.
Amanda Russell
January 27, 1997
