Quiet Secrets
Breakaway + 10 yrs, 10 months
The kids were finally in bed. Alan collapsed on the floor of the main room in their quarters with feigned exhaustion. “I don’t know which is more work, Sahn, having the boys, the girls or the babies.” His eyes were closed, but he had a slight grin on his face.
Sandra chuckled softly. Her workday had finished a few hours earlier than Alan’s and she had had time to catch her breath. She sat on the sofa working on her current cross-stitch project, a miniature ‘quilt’ inspired by the Amish originals. She nudged Alan’s ribs with the outstretched toes of her right foot. “You enjoy it, do not lie.”
Everyone was pitching in and keeping the Koenig children at night. John and Helena needed some time with newborn Kelly for this first week to meet her special needs. To Sandra’s surprise, the children had divided themselves up among the Verdeschi, Fraser and Carter quarters, and not entirely as Sandra would have predicted. A small herd of organized under-six year olds was a formidable force.
‘The girls,’ Vicki Fraser, Lysee Verdeschi and their own Danae had relocated to the Verdeschi’s. And when one also counted toddler Kelsia Verdeschi, poor Tony was seriously outnumbered. ‘The boys,’ Stephen and David Koenig, Roberto Verdeschi and Etienne Fraser, had taken over the Fraser household, but Annette kept that lot under a tight rein. To Sandra’s surprise, their son Richard had opted to stay at home. When Alan asked him why he didn’t want to join his friends, he had the logical answer that here he’d have a bed all to himself.
Sandra and Alan had claimed one-and-a-half year old Eliza Koenig to join their four-month old Naomi, and of course two-and-a-half year old Richard, who was enjoying the status of ‘big kid’ in the family for the week.
“You know me too well, love.” Alan grabbed Sandra’s foot as it poked him and slipped off the sock and started to trail a line of kisses along the instep. “Tired? How about putting up your threads for a while and we’ll take advantage of the temporary peace and quiet. What do you have to say to that, Mrs. Carter?”
Sandra laughed. Alan retained his indefatigable energy level, even at forty-three years old and after a full day’s work. Sandra wrapped up her embroidery floss and fabric and slipped everything into its small carryall. She stretched to loosen the kinks in her shoulders that were the price of doing such close needlework, only to find herself being scooped off the sofa.
“Stop wriggling, Sahn,” Alan complained as he headed toward their bedroom. “You’re making it hard to kiss you.”
Sandra reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. Who was she to protest what was a most eminently desirable suggestion?
~~~~~~~~
The next morning, Sandra dressed in her oldest uniform for her day of crèche duty. The day before, she had sent a message to Maisey Watts inviting the pregnant dietary tech to accompany her. Usually, Sandra and Alan took their turns together and enjoyed the time in each other’s company. With Alan running the energy off the active children and the younger or quieter children gravitating toward Sandra, they made a good team. However, Helena had just recently put out the quiet word that she would like to see Maisey have more opportunities to work with the very youngest children before her own child was due, and Alan had agreed this was a good opportunity to do so.
Alan watched Sandra’s resigned preparations for the day with a grin on his face. The chaotic noise and constant activity were not Sandra’s preference for a duty shift, but she conscientiously took more than her fair share of time in the crèches on the logic she had contributed more than most to Alpha’s population boom. He walked over and wrapped her in a hug as he rested his chin comfortably on her head.
“Hang in there, love. Nothing lasts forever.”
“It will just feel like it,” was the muffled response that came from the region of his mid-chest.
Alan tilted her face up to his for a gentle kiss. “How ‘bout tomorrow we plan a little time alone. Don’t you still need that final assessment to finish off your flight re-cert? I happen to know a good pilot who might just be able to do that for you.”
“Who?” Sandra asked with wide, innocent eyes.
Alan just growled and kissed her again.
Reluctantly leaving Alan’s side, Sandra called Richard to her and picked up Naomi. Alan scooped up a laughing Eliza and they headed out. Alan had promised Sandra to stay and help until Maisey arrived.
They found Maisey had arrived early and was waiting for them.
~~~~~~~~
Ever since Maisey’s unorthodox pregnancy had become common knowledge, she had been the source of odd looks and whispered speculations. Most Alphans had simply never noticed the almost invisible dietary tech, and her abrupt ‘introduction’ to Alphan society had caused the rumor mill to go into hyperdrive for a brief while. For the most part, Maisey remained oblivious to the whirlwind surrounding the discovery of her unanticipated pregnancy, and that was in no small part due to Maisey’s best friend Juanita who acted as an almost physical shield. But even still, Maisey could not completely ignore her new-found notoriety and it made her uncomfortable. For Maisey, to be noticed often brought unwanted attention, be it from over-zealous drill instructors, high school bullies… or her mother’s boyfriends.
Sandra watched as Maisey fairly flew around the crèche. She was impressed with Maisey’s infinite patience with the children’s demands. She would play their games for as long as they wished and to all appearances greatly enjoyed her time with the littlest ones. Sandra loved children, but would honestly admit to any who asked that she enjoyed them best in small numbers, not the twelve or fourteen who could show up at one time here in the crèche. That all of Alpha’s children were six years-old or younger made for the constant feeling of living in a pre-school, but Sandra remained deeply grateful for their presence. They were, quite simply, Alpha’s future. Structured classes were slowly beginning to supplement the care provided by the crèches and soon the constant need to staff multiple childcare centers would become less. Then, however, new problems would need to be addressed and teachers found for the classes. Dr. Mathias, Sister Betty and a few others were working on a formal education curriculum that would meet Alpha’s unique needs.
The morning passed quickly and the lunch time feeding frenzy was accomplished with an ease only an experienced dietary tech could coordinate. Afterwards, Sandra and Maisey brought out the sleeping mats and small, tired bodies were tucked in for naps. Sandra dimmed the lights in the cheerfully decorated room and turned on a soft, soothing audio recording of a waterfall. A few of the older children who no longer needed naps, Danae, Stephen Koenig and Michael Cohen, played together quietly on the far side of the room with various arts and crafts projects.
After a quick head count, Sandra relaxed. She found the constant chatter exhausting and enjoyed the quiet. She always had. She watched Maisey walk around the room tidying the play areas, replacing blankets that had been shrugged off, and then going over to where the older children played. That was typical. During family nights when assorted Koenig, Verdeschi, Carter and Fraser children would gather in one family’s quarters for a sleepover, Maisey had become a welcome pair of extra hands. And the children loved her. She was especially fond of Danae and the two of them had become close friends.
Sandra knew Maisey was only a few years younger than she, but her energy level was phenomenal. Most adults finished a crèche shift looking as if they had spent all day laboring in a heavy space suit on the lunar surface, and yet at the half-way point, Maisey still looked fresh and happy. Sandra sat quietly and closed her eyes for a few minutes.
“Mrs. Carter, can I get you something? Maybe a bite to eat?”
Sandra opened her eyes. Maisey stood in front of her wearing the mildly fretful look so common to her.
“No, thank you, Maisey. Really, I am fine. I will get myself something to eat. Have you eaten?”
Maisey shook her head.
“Well then, we can share a meal.”
Sandra stood and led the way to the small, utilitarian food prep area that was set slightly apart from the rest of the children’s area. She found the two adult lunches that had been included with the children’s snacks and lunches. Passing the first carrysack to Maisey, Sandra retrieved the second as well as containers of water and then sat down at the small table where she could keep an eye on her charges. She gestured to the opposite chair and Maisey joined her. Sandra was quite aware that even in the relatively casual community of Alpha, Maisey still perceived a definite class structure. The dietary tech had placed Sandra among the elite and herself firmly at the bottom. Sandra had decided to make it her goal to improve Maisey’s self esteem, for her child’s sake if not her own.
Sandra studied Maisey. She thought the unattached woman had accepted her nine-week-old pregnancy with relative ease even though the child’s conception remained shrouded in mystery. As best as educated guesses could place, Maisey had conceived at a birthday party held by a group of exterior maintenance techs. Initially rape had been assumed, but a not-so-discrete investigation had revealed no evidence of coercion. Helena assumed Maisey might very well have been over-whelmed by all the attention paid to her and had simply been unable to say ‘no’. Sandra had to agree that this interpretation was plausible, and that she had then perhaps blocked the unpleasant event from her memory. Sandra rather doubted Maisey had been intoxicated. Sandra had never seen her touch any alcoholic drink whatsoever.
“How are you feeling, Maisey? Has the upset stomach passed?”
“Yes’m. I eat a few crackers first thing when I gets up just like Dr. Russell said and that seems to do the trick just fine.”
They ate in companionable silence for a while.
“Mrs. Carter? Can I ask you a question?”
“Certainly.” Sandra was pleased. It had taken Maisey months to become comfortable in her presence. Especially once Maisey had comprehended that she was the Service Section head, and therefore her ‘boss’.
“What should I call Dr. Russell?”
Sandra was unclear what Maisey meant.
“I mean, some people call her Dr. Russell and some call her Dr. Koenig. Which is right? She’s been so very nice to me, I don’t want to offend her none by using the wrong name.” The fretful look was back on Maisey’s face.
“Ah. Well, I suspect the Commander would prefer she go by Dr. Koenig,” Sandra saw Maisey nod in agreement, “but her staff still addresses her as Dr. Russell more often than not. She answers to both, so call her what you are most comfortable with.”
Maisey chewed on her sandwich deep in thought. Sandra had to be careful not to smile; Maisey was so very earnest to do everything correctly.
“And how about you, ma’am. Do you want to be called Mrs. Carter or Ms. Benes?”
Sandra did smile slightly. “Which are you more comfortable with, Maisey?”
“Mrs. Carter,” Maisey answered quickly and decisively.
“Then that is what you should call me.” And then, knowing how the younger woman would we react, she suggested with a small smile, “or Sandra when we are off-duty.”
Maisey looked briefly appalled at the mere thought of using such informality. “Mrs. Carter,” she said firmly.
Sandra chuckled silently. More silence passed as they watched the sleeping children.
Sandra thought this might be a good occasion to ask some questions of her own. Maisey looked like she might open up a little. “Did you leave anyone special back on Earth, Maisey?”
Maisey looked surprised but then patted her still flat middle. “Boys you mean? Oh, no, ma’am. I was a good girl and didn’t want to get in no trouble.”
Sandra thought it sad that Maisey obviously equated any relationship with a man with sex.
“Juanita said we could get in the military and see the world if we studied right hard so that’s what I did, Mrs. Carter. I studied real, real hard day and night for… well, it sure did feel like forever and I got my diploma and then we took those Marine tests and…” Maisey shrugged and looked around.
“And you ended up here on Alpha.”
“Yes’m. Now, don’t get me wrong though, ma’am, I like it here right fine. Juanita and I got assigned here together, I got a nice place to live and plenty enough to eat.” There was a pause while Maisey thought hard. “Just wish I could see the sky again, though.”
Maisey’s wistful expression touched Sandra. “Have you been off Alpha since Breakaway?”
“Oh, yes’m. I visited that hot planet where we found all that oil and helped run the canteen. Did you know that Mr. Fraser got all queasy-like when he flew those full Eagles? He’d come back to Alpha all green-like, just like he was expectin’ !” Maisey wore a delighted grin at the memory. “And I evacuated with everyone else when Alpha was almost destroyed that time by those wicked-bad shock waves. Oh, and I went outside on the moon’s surface that time back right after we left Earth. Now, that was right strange… walking around outside like that with no space suit on.”
Abruptly, Maisey stopped reminiscing as if embarrassed to find herself rambling on so freely. “Have you been off Alpha, Mrs. Carter? I mean, I know you can fly an Eagle and all that, but have you put foot on a foreign planet?”
Sandra hesitated before answering. Not all her off-Alpha memories were happy ones. “Yes, I have been on other worlds.”
Maisey seemed to pick up on Sandra’s reticence and let the conversation go. She stood and collected the empty containers from their lunches and organized them for easy cleaning and reuse. She sat back down across from Sandra and looked carefully in her direction, almost as if she was feeling out whether or not to dare a question.
“Mrs. Carter, you know ‘bout what happened, don’t you? ‘Bout the baby?”
“I know what you have told me.”
“Did you know that I told Jack to lay off trying to find the daddy? That it don’t matter none to me. Juanita says she and Jack will help me take care of the baby, just like you and the Verdeschis help each other.”
Sandra had indeed heard from Tony that he had been instructed to halt his search for the father. He was not pleased, nor was Alan who felt the father should be held accountable. But, Sandra rather thought she understood Maisey’s position and had supported that request much to Alan’s surprise. When Maisey looked up at her, Sandra smiled encouragingly.
“Well, ma’am, I’ve been thinking some on that. What if one day the baby wants to know who his daddy is? What if the baby gets mad at me for not knowin’ ?”
“Maisey, you know that Dr. Russell will run tests after the child is born.”
“Yes’m.”
“Some of those tests will help her tell who the father is. She has to know for the records, but she will not tell anyone, for now. Not even you if you do not wish.”
“Not even the Commander or Mr. Verdeschi?”
“No. It is your decision.”
Maisey looked awed that she could actually have that authority, but then sat up stiffly, her eyes squinted in suspicion.
“You said ‘for now’?”
Sandra nodded. “Your child will be entitled to know one day if he or she asks.”
Maisey seemed to find that a good compromise and relaxed.
Sandra still wondered how anyone on Alpha could remain so isolated. Tony had said how many of her fellow Alphans barely recognized Maisey’s picture. “Maisey, is there anyone here on Alpha you are interested in? Anyone you might enjoy simply spending time with? Watching a film, perhaps?”
“You mean a movie? Nah, I mean, no ma’am. If Juanita’s too busy I just watch one by myself or go to bed early.”
Sandra’s expression must have given away more than she intended. Maisey might be intellectually slow due to fetal alcohol syndrome, but she was quick to pick up on pity.
“Truly, Mrs. Carter, I don’t hold no blame on the baby’s daddy, I just don’t want no man expecting me to, you know…”
Again, they sat in silence. At one point Maisey got up and walked around the room checking on everyone, awake or asleep, and then returned to sit by Sandra. She seemed to find comfort in the other woman’s presence.
“Mrs. Carter…”
Sandra looked over at Maisey when the pause became overly long. The dimly lit, quiet room seemed to embolden the usually timid dietary tech. Sandra smiled to herself. And people thought she was retiring. She nodded encouragingly to Maisey.
“Does it always hurt?”
“What, Maisey?”
“You know, ma’am, what happens when a man and a woman, you know...”
Sandra did understand. “No, Maisey. It can be quite wonderful with the right person.”
Maisey looked doubtful at that. Sandra felt so very sorry that Maisey had never had the chance to experience the pleasures physical closeness could bring. But if all she had ever felt was pain and humiliation, no wonder she avoided men. Sandra was grateful she had not been in that position.
“Like Juanita and Jack?”
Sandra nodded.
“Or like the Commander and Dr. Koenig?” Maisey immediately blushed, obviously mortified at her boldness. “I mean, they’re so happy with each other. The way he always touches her real gentle like.”
“Yes, like that.”
Silent tears started to run down Maisey’s face. It was almost time for the children to start awakening, but a quick glance told Sandra they were still asleep or playing quietly. She casually stood and walked around the table to block the children’s view of Maisey and gently rested a hand on Maisey’s shoulder.
“It hurt, Mrs. Carter, it hurt so very bad.”
Maisey’s voice was so quiet Sandra had to listen carefully. Perhaps Maisey was finally ready to remember what had happened.
“And they always told me I couldn’t tell no one, that no one would believe me… that I was just a stupid little girl…”
“Oh, Maisey...” Sandra gathered the silently shaking woman to her and whispered reassurances as she tried to think of what to say that would be meaningful. It was unbelievable that anyone could abuse a child like that. Holding the trembling woman, Sandra imagined Maisey had learned early in life to cry soundlessly. Maisey was still leaning against her when she looked up.
“Has anyone ever hurt you, Mrs. Carter?”
Surprised by the question only two other people had ever asked, and that years ago, for the first time Sandra gave an honest answer.
“Yes, once. But he did not mean too.”
“That’s what they always say,” Maisey hissed bitterly.
Saundra nodded noncommittally, not having any knowledge of that. Memories of a dark, dank cave rose up unbidden. The never quite forgotten odor of fetid, unwashed bodies, the rank smell of poorly cured hides and the smoky odor from enclosed woodfires almost overwhelmed her. The indescribable feeling as she was forced down to the ground against her will, knowing she was about to be raped by someone she trusted… and then to have that same person be the one who freed her from her bindings… She shook her head to break the memory’s hold on her. She had decided on the return Eagle flight to tell no one, that it would do no good and perhaps much harm to fragile morale. She had dealt with that old trauma in her own way many years ago and had not told anyone before now.
“Perhaps, but in my case it is true. He has no memory of that time and was not in his right mind when it occurred.”
“Drunk,” Maisey said curtly with a venom very unlike her usual self.
“No, but not in his right mind in any case.”
Maisey looked shrewdly at Sandra. “Does Mr. Carter know?” She had heard of Mr. Carter’s rare temper and could well imagine him objecting to anyone hurting his missus, no matter what excuse the bastard gave.
Maisey was surprised at the anger boiling up inside her. No one had ever been around to defend her.
“No. This was before we were… together. It would do no one any good to bring it up now. It happened many years ago.”
“Here on Alpha?”
“Not exactly.”
Being careful not to stare, Maisey studied Mrs. Carter’s face. She didn’t think Mrs. Carter would say no more. That this lady she so looked up to had been hurt and still went on to marry Mr. Carter, well now, that was something to think on. Maisey had seen Mr. and Mrs. Carter smile and kiss each other and carry on in that way married people do. For truth, Maisey knew Mr. Carter was completely smitten with Mrs. Carter and they was happy just being together. That was a real big reason why she liked spending time with them.
Mrs. Carter lightly touched her arm. “Come, the children are waking. If you wish, we can speak more later.”
Maisey nodded and wiped her eyes. She knew her job right now was to take care of the kids, and she always did her job as best she could.
“Maisey…” Mrs. Carter had a slightly worried look on her face. Maisey understood.
“Don’t you fret none, Mrs. Carter. I won’t tell no one. It’s better that some dead things just stay buried, right?”
“Yes.”
Maisey knew she’d do her bit to look after Mrs. Carter.
The kids were starting to move about. For the next little while, she and Mrs. Carter were kept busy tidying up the napping mats and getting out blocks and little kid computer pads and the like. Then Mrs. Carter’s commlock chirped. It was the Commander.
“Afternoon, Sandra. Sorry I’m running late today. Is Stephen ready?”
Maisey looked up to see the five-and-a-half-year-old, brown-haired boy come racing over at the sound of his daddy’s voice. Mrs. Carter handed the boy her commlock.
“Dad! I thought you’d forgotten!”
“Never, sport. I was just held up for a while. Ready?”
Maisey watched the little boy smile and quickly hand the commlock back to Mrs. Carter to open the door. Maisey knew the safety sensors built into the things kept a kid from using a grown-ups’ commlock. The door opened and Stevie raced over and jumped into the Commander’s arms.
Davy Koenig was awake by now and headed on over to see his daddy. The Commander went down on one knee and hugged his younger boy, too. “I’ll be back soon and then we’ll have our time together, okay?”
“Okay.”
Maisey thought the littler boy was being right polite ‘cuz in truth he didn’t look none too happy. The Commander stood and ruffled Davy’s black, curly hair.
“We’ll be back within the hour. You holding up alright, Sandra?” He smiled a lopsided, sympathetic smile at Mrs. Carter.
“Yes. With Maisey’s help, today is going quite well.”
Maisey thought it right nice how comfortable Mrs. Carter was with someone as important as the Commander. But she almost crawled right out of her skin when she realized the Commander was now looking at her, even if he did have a smile on his face. She just about wanted to wilt away under his gaze. She might have come to think of Mrs. Carter as ‘just people,’ but the Commander was, well, The Commander.
“Good job, Maisey. How are you feeling?”
“Right fine, sir. No problems at all, sir.”
The Commander smiled at her, touched Mrs. Carter lightly on the shoulder and then left.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully.
~~~~~~~~
By 1800, everyone was tired, and even Maisey was starting to feel a mite droopy. The two grown-ups sat on the ground watching the few remaining children putter around. Except for almost six-year-old Michael, the kids left all looked to Mrs. Carter. Tuckered out as she was, Maisey was happy. With Mrs. Carter’s permission, she was holding four-month old Naomi and giving her a bottle. The trusting gaze of the little baby girl just about melted her heart.
Thinking about not much at all, Maisey jumped when Mrs. Carter’s commlock chirped a note that was slightly off the usual tone. Danny, Richie, Eliza and the Koenig boys all immediately looked up from their playing and a smile crossed Mrs. Carter’s face even before she took the commlock off her belt. Maisey saw her press one of the direct-link buttons.
“Hey, open up, Sahn. The cavalry’s here.”
A happy noise of “Papa” and “Uncle Alan” echoed in the almost empty room as the kids ran or toddled to the door which opened just as they arrived. Mr. Carter went down on his knees and wrapped all the children in a great big bear hug. Immediately behind them stood Mr. Cohen, and Maisey could see him waiting his turn patient-like to pass through the door to pick up his boy.
Mrs. Carter slowly got to her feet and walked over to her family. The happiness on her face was plain impossible to fake, thought Maisey. She watched Mr. Carter stand and give Mrs. Carter a hug.
“You survive, Sahn? Maisey was a life-saver, I’m sure.”
Mr. Carter winked in her direction. It seemed to Maisey that Mrs. Carter perked up some just by being next to Mr. Carter.
Mr. Carter touched Mrs. Carter’s cheek real gentle. “Hang in there, love, we’ll stuff dinner in all of them and then turn the extras out for the night.”
Maisey watched Mrs. Carter chuckle as she slipped her hand into Mr. Carter’s and then look around at the kids.
Once little Michael had been safely delivered to his daddy, Maisey watched the Carter clan head out the door to supper. Maybe one day she’d find someone to be special with. She knew it might just be possible now.
Maisey thought about what to do next. There stood a good chance that Juanita and Jack were going to do something together tonight, just the two of them like usual. But for some reason, that thought just didn’t bother her none much, not like it used to. Maybe she’d just call up a movie like Mrs. Carter had said.
As Maisey gathered up the dirty lunchware to drop off at the kitchen on her way back to her quarters, the door opened one more time. She looked up to see tiny Danny Carter run back in and take her hand and try to tug her toward the door.
“Hey, Maisey! Aren’t you coming with us to dinner? We’re waiting for you!”
14 August 2006
MGK